Saturday, December 31, 2011

What, if anything, do we fight for?

I'm a little behind the times when it comes to this post. I haven't really delved into whether Sojourners has answered these accusations-- Supposedly Progressive Christian Sojourners Rejects LGBT Ad, but I was a big fan of Sojourners because it was the first progressive Christian link I ever found. I got to meet Jim Wallis when he spoke in Seattle a few years back. I really like his politics because I was so against the Iraq war.

This does come up, though, as to what do we fight for? When the UCC did their ad campaign regarding gay rights in the church, according to the linked article, Sojourners turned it down, stating they were not going to take sides on this issue. That is a tough and angry topic. One that, even in a progressive stance, can be split. Why? Because even though you work for something, there are still supporters who don't agree with you. Jim Wallis will say he stands up for LGBT rights, and he probably theory. But to advertise it can be financially rough. First of all, Sojourners is more on the political views of the poor, war, and anything economically challenging. That is their biggest standpoint. THAT is what they're going to stand for. If one of their biggest supporters still has issues with LGBT rights, I doubt you will see them wanting to advertise their stance on how they feel about that. They can lose their support.

This is just my theory. I'm not standing up for him, but I'm not standing against him either, because I have heard him, and know that he does support rights for all. So, I do have to say, I was disappointed in Jim Wallis for this. I like his magazines, and when he asked me for a donation in his e-mail, I turned him down and let him know why. My $$$ is going toward Gender Odyssey, which I ask you to let people know about. This needs your support in educating the public and supporting families about Transgender rights. It's helping gender variant people and families educate everyone.

I digress. I still will support Sojourners and Jim Wallis' quest in educating people-and I'll get a magazine every couple months for my entertainment for doing that. I know he means well, but sometimes, unfortunately, he still has to look at the almighty dollar--whether or not he looks to God first. Big example before I close. I. HATE. WALMART! It is in my best interest to never shop there because of.....well, because of EVERYTHING. But when I get a present, and I'm strapped for cash, that's where I go. Money. As much as we rely on God, we still see dollar signs a little too much. It's that human thing. As I write this, I see how small my Walmart shopping may be compared to Sojourners' rejection of a huge ad, but that's my thought process.
**UPDATE: I was reading John Shore this evening--click on his name for his blog regarding Jim Wallis' response. Like I said, I was a little behind the times on this. This all happened when I was still in denial of having a son and blocked EVERYTHING out.
**You're wondering why this all came up in the first place. It was due to an e-mail I got to do an end-of-the-year donation to Sojo.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all my followers! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great day off! We didn't do our normal going to service this year, but we did have a great time in Portland caroling last night! I'll leave you with this little clip. This song is my favorite at Christmas. It's called "Joseph's Lullabye". It means a lot to me.

Monday, December 19, 2011

To the Reluctant Parent

We started going to a support group. It's refreshing to see a room full of parents who are going through the same thing. Have I mentioned this before?

Today I want to talk to parents. No, more like reluctant parents whose children have recognized themselves as a different gender than what they grew up with.

Points to Ponder:

Ideals--These are what stand between us accepting our child or turning our back on them. See, it's not about them when they come out. It's about us. It's about what other people think, or not seeing them walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress. Never having a "normal" boyfriend/husband (M is considered gay male), and grandchildren (biological).

I sit, as a devout Christian, and ponder the ramifications of me accepting my transgender daughter-turned-son. You may ask if I worry about him going to hell. No. Not really. Because I know M's heart, and if God is going to judge M's choice of living his life in the way that he is supposed to, even though he physically is a contradiction, I can't follow that god. That's not the God I know. The God I know serves people. Loves people. Is there in the darkest time of a person's life. Holds them when they tell their parent that they are in the wrong body. Then He holds the parent who struggles with the above ideals and teaches and guides them to acceptance.

Acceptance---Ahhhhh....the final stage of the grief process. Acceptance is such a deceptive word. It makes you think that by accepting a situation--ANY situation, makes you a sweet Disney story or something. But that's not acceptance. If you really ponder the word and mull it over, you realize to accept means to open up-even when you are not wanting to. Even when it doesn't make sense to you. To me, acceptance is its own grief process. When I picture acceptance, I picture having French Doors on my chest. When I open up those doors, I'm letting things pour in, taking in what I can, which, in that process, means letting go of things that no longer apply to my life (no white wedding dress on my daughter, etc).

In life, you read about people who fight to stay alive, overcome obstacles, and work hard for what they want to do to achieve, and we love it!
Some of these obstacles people overcome are quite large. This is what our kids do when they come out to us. They are climbing a mountain, and that mountain is the unknown of how every loved one in their lives will react, or how they are going to get through life being different somehow, yet choosing what they are comfortable with. Be proud of them! It's a very brave and gutsy thing! They already tried the other way and it didn't work.

So, To The Reluctant Parent: My next words are going to be tough to hear, but they are important:
You have a child that you did the best you could to raise them. If you are happy with the way you have or are bringing them up, then pat yourself on the back and have no regrets. Don't blame yourself or worry about people around you. Your true friends will support you, whether or not they agree-they will be there for you.
Talk to your child about what they want out of life--Because they want to live it to the fullest.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. DON'T MAKE IT AS SUCH! I say that as a person who does make it as such. It has stunted this transition process that will go on with or without me. Finally seeing it as a new growth process makes me want to participate fully.

DO Love them, help them, and accept them. The person in front of you has the same soul that they did before they told you. Love that soul.

The link below (I think you need to cut and paste cuz I'm awful at figuring this out) is a letter that was printed on a blog I love. As I read the blog one day, the letter looked familiar. I then realized that it was a letter I wrote.
NOTE: This is a Christian posting from a fellow Christian who doesn't support the fundamental ideals that, unfortunately, are what society sees the majority of Christians as (they are not), and believes that all people need to be equal. I share the same kind of faith as him.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Ties that Bind.....ugh

“Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.”
― Orson Scott Card, Empire

I don't like Orson Scott Card. I think I'm the only one in my immediate family who has had no interest in him at all. So it probably wouldn't be a surprise to you to discover that I found this quote in my "Breaking Dawn" book. Now, before you roll your eyes and question my intelligence, let me just say that until I read the Twilight Saga, I hadn't read recreational reading in 3 years (I was finding cheap ways to learn things). It woke up my love of reading again. Okay, enough of my head.

I bring this up because I was e-mailing my aunt, catching up on what was going on with Marley. She asked about who in my family knew. As far as I know the only person in the world who doesn't know is my sister. When I feel like I'm doing something "bad" or have screwed up in some way, she's the voice in my head. My own personal demon who probably doesn't even know it. She is, however, someone who could use some help with being nice and watching her words, because it has caused a rift between us in some ways.
I see my sister as very judgmental, and I decided to cut ties that were already severed. Don't get me wrong. I love my sister, and I mourn our relationship, but I need to protect myself and my family. This is fast becoming a therapy session, but have you ever been in a good mood, make a phone call to someone, and when you hang up, you're exhausted? That was the last phone conversation I ever had with her. That's been almost 4 years ago. We still chat when we see each other, but those conversations are very few and far between.
I think the hardest thing I struggle with just happened not too long ago. I had a new Facebook friend who is gay. I grew up with this guy, and I thought the world of him. He and my sister were really close, and he asked how she was because she supported him when he was being teased or ostracized from others--small town, 1980s--need I say more?
My heart broke that day, because I know for a fact that the response he got from her is not the response Marley (or I) will get. I will be reminded of my downfalls and how screwed up M is. I keep thinking that maybe she won't be that way. Maybe things will be different. I can't chance that anymore. I've taken lots of chances in my life thinking I haven't. Some of them have had great consequences. Some not. This one is pretty much a given. I need to stop caring about my sister's reaction or her problems and focus on living and enjoying my life with my son-who is a very happy and excited human being. :D Now to call my therapist to get that started....

Tuesday, November 29, 2011



As most of you know, I have another blog about what I've been thinking and feeling regarding being a parent of a transgender person. I saw a quote on Facebook today that said, "When something bad happens you can let it define you, let it strengthen you, or let it destroy you."
I don't really consider what has transpired "bad" anymore. Many reasons are because I all of a sudden saw an emerging happy and more motivated person coming out as a male, even though we've always seen her as female---mind you, I never went girl shopping for Marley. I did girl shopping with my nieces. I didn't even know there was a store called "Pink" until my niece told me she wanted to go there....6 months ago. I thought that was a style that other people got somewhere. clue.
Why am I bringing this up? Cuz it's something to say, and because I don't really talk about it on here, it's just a way to show what's going on in my world.
Lately, I've been struggling with the fact that M doesn't want pics up in the living room that shows long hair. Even though it doesn't look male or female, he doesn't like it. But I LOVE THOSE PICS! They are from great times. It's hard to argue that stuff. I have what I want in my bedroom, but I still like to show off the great pic from Disneyland. Why? Because it was the first time I saw Marley start getting happy after a long bout of depression. It's a monumental moment, and I got it on camera!
M likes it too, but the idea of long hair for him is somehow quite hard. I try to reason the fact that he loves 90s music and look at all the rockers who had long hair. Whatevs. Right now, it's nice to see that's the only big battle around this. There will be others, but I hope they come quietly and sweetly. Gotta get back to work. :D

Thursday, November 24, 2011

10 Things I Love About You

Sometimes, I have to step back and remember why I'm better at being okay with this. I know I've said it in the blog before, and I know that I've shared with others, but because I love the movie "10 Things I Hate about You", I decided to twist it around to give 10 things I love about M and how we've grown through all this.

1) I love the way you cut your hair, it finally shows your eyes.
2) I love the way you take a chance, something that you used to not do.
3) I love your laugh, which was absent once, yet now you've made it up.
4) It shows the dimples that God gave you, when he pinched your cheeks before you were born.
5) I love the way to love the cats. They've given you a new light in your eyes.
6) I love the drive you have to want to go to film school with no regrets.
7) I love your taste in music. It's eclectic and you don't fall into the pop culture.
8) I love your nerdy ways, and your love for all things British.
9) I love your love for children, and watching them love you back.
10)I love your heart. It's big. Keep it open to God, love, and life.

You will have challenges in life, but always know that you are loved through all the mess.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Just to post...

Marley and I were discussing depression today. Because last month was National Suicide Awareness, and I didn't do any blogging about it, I wanted to share. We really delved into the subject...from M feeling like God wasn't there and hating God, to having to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. We talked about reasons why it happened, if any, and if it would happen again. Anyway, we found a blog about it. This really was how we both have felt before. Sad with some humor. But oh, so human!

Have a great day, and as the call box on the Golden Gate Bridge says....Life is beautiful!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Six Degrees of Separation...or less, but you get my point.

M and I love Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. I think I told you that last week. Anyway, this love of SCC brought about some events that I can only say came by the grace of God.
Okay, here goes in a nutshell-My very own "Six Degrees of Separation", if you will....

If it wasn't for a co-worker giving a difficult venipuncture to a donor, then I wouldn't have taken care of the donor, who I started having a great convo with, when I found out she went to the church where SCC was going, and I made a comment about our love for him and some of our "stuff" we had been dealing with in the past few years.
Because of the generosity of the donor, she got her bible study together to present us with 2 tix to SCC-I mean, I didn't know this woman!!, and that was a miracle all it's own, because it was so humbling and beautiful-both the concert and the generosity of wonderful people who don't sit in judgment.
If it wasn't for a friend who is going through a custody battle, she wouldn't have asked me to take her to church, which, because of I had just gone to the SCC concert there and the proximity of the church being between both our houses, I decided that was where we would go on Sunday night.
AAAANNNDDD--If it wasn't for the great feeling of non-judgment I got at said church on Sunday, and the comment card that I ALMOST didn't fill out asking about people in the church who had LGBT children, I wouldn't have met my angel. Her name is Shirley. She's probably between 70 and 80 years old. Her son came out in 1989. They are all evangelical Christians.
The first thing she asked me when I sat down w/ her at Tully's today was "what is it do you love about Marley?"
There is so much to say about this woman. So much so that I'm speechless. All I can say it that God has given me this angel who understands when I say that I'm tired of people of the same faith that I have looking at me with pity when I tell them about M, even though I'm telling them for the sake of information about how my life has changed and not because I need them to pray about it or give me sympathy or an occasional "God will change that if "she" prays about it more". She is a huge light. I walked in that door and when I saw her, I felt happy and blessed. She really was like a breeze in the desert.
Shirley is the poster child for Christian parents of LGBT children. Her son teaches law enforcement agencies all over about ethics in the workplace when it comes to LGBT issues. She doesn't admit it, but I have to say that he's where he is because his parents accepted him as their child and not by his decisions or way of life. In my opinion, he is strong in his Christian faith because his parents didn't tell him he was being sinful and that he needed to pray harder, or worry about what people thought.
About 9 years ago, I stood on Westport Beach in awe of how big God was compared to little me. Today, I'll never look at a Tully's the same way because of the same thing. Sound romantic? It was! God has sought me out by giving me His angels. He shows me, through people like Shirley and Sheryl (generous lady) that He means to do his work through love and acceptance, and I need to get on board. :D

Narcissism (is that even spelled right?)

I sat one day wondering why I haven't been writing. I've really had a writer's block about this, but I found that I took a lot of time checking my blog for stats and comments. I started realizing that it was a little selfish and narcissistic of me. Well, I still will probably do that, but I do enjoy the comments and opinions I do get. I think I also was having a tough time with negative comments. However, I sat up one day thinking "HEY! What do you expect? Get over it!" So I am.
Tonight I'm meeting a lady who is a devout Christian woman whose son is gay. He came out in the early 90s and she says "before the parents would ever consider "coming out" to anyone in church". She has a friend who has a trans son who, with the help of friends, has finally reconciled the relationship they lost 10 years ago. I'm interested to hear these stories. One, because I know that the ways I think are different than the way the mainstream church, and also because I would love to know how reconciliation happened.
Now that I'm more open to people about what's going on, I've found that some people look at me with pity or tell me how sorry they are. It feels really weird because I don't feel remorse for it because I see a happier person, and since I'm somewhat co-dependent, it makes a happier household. However, these things still give me doubts about whether or not I'm trusting God enough, or if M has enough trust in Him. It's tiring sometimes. I wish that I could just be happy about how I worship God and what I believe His principles meant, and not everyone else's thoughts on it all.
Wow. That was heavy on my heart today.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Steven Curtis Chapman

Hellooooo! I know it's been a while. I guess I've had a form of writer's block. Right now my head is fuzzy and I've been kind of just above survival mode. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with all the issues going on.

Tonight M and I went and saw Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. For anyone who doesn't know him, check his music out. He is heartfelt and amazing! We got to meet him tonight. It was really important for M to meet him, as one of his daughters died in a really tragic accident while M was going through his depression, and M told me tonight that seeing their family get through it kept M from not giving up on God when all of that happened. Great stuff!

That's all. Everything going okay on the trans front. I've met some great people through this. I am blessed.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feeling Melodramatic tonight.

I think that when I'm thrust in a situation where I'm to accept something that I never thought I would have to deal with, I feel that, when the moment arises, I should be able to pop a joke. I saw on Craigslist an ad for a job that said "Bikini Girls Wanted". I'm sure I will get an of comments from this. I joked to M that they were hiring the above subject, and it turned into an all-out yelling match about how I'm not respecting him and that I can't take jokes either. WHAT! EVER! I'm so pissed right now, that I don't even know what else to say. I'm not asking for advice, but I AM saying that I guess that as a heavy girl, I wouldn't have joked to M about the bikini thing, but I guess I thought as a boy, it would be okay, because I sometimes I need to get through this with some humor in order to not be worried about whether or not he will make friends, get his ass kicked, or just be able to be a normal boy. And before you come to his rescue, understand that we have always been able to joke, and I really thought he would take it funnily enough.

I'm pissed because I've been stewing. This has just be the formidable straw. Don't ask what I've been stewing about. I don't even think I know.
Brooding Edward has nothing on me right now......

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Feeling spiritually away from God right now.....ugh!

Sometimes I wonder where the fire I had for God went. When did it start to smolder and seem to cool so much? I'm hoping it's just a season in my life that I feel this way. I know that a lot of you followers are here for my thoughts on M's transition, but I have to say that, in the midst of the depression, transition, and some of my hang-ups that I don't mention here, I have lost the fire I had. I try to get it back. I desperately want to connect with people who I haven't talked to in years due to life or distance, just to feel the ignition for the fire I once had in feeling God close to me, even in the tough times.
I think sometimes having a child that is not the accepted norm of society, especially "Christian" society (I say that loosely, referring to religious right that so dominates how the world sees Christendom), I am torn between 2 worlds. The love and acceptance that Jesus is, and the condemnation of judgment. I have a friend who has a step-daughter that he's raised from the time she was 3, and he always questions how God will see him since she has become a drug user and he feels he somehow didn't do right by her. It blows me away for him to think that, as he is such a force of what God wants. Taking someone's child to raise and love as his own. Then there's me, who, by standards of some, have just let my daughter turn into a son. I know that's a bad statement, and I know that those people don't see in my heart of the agony that I went through in accepting it. But I have, and if that somehow makes me a bad parent, well, I have other issues that could have made me a bad parent.
I long to be a child of God who counts and leans on Him so much that I accept and live in His light, and be a model for M, even though M is grown in many ways. I pray that I do that. I feel much better now.
I was looking at my playlist. It's called "Why I write". It's very fitting. A lot of the songs on here are laments to God. Although secular, there is pain in the lyrics. There's a song from Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" that makes me realize that our laments are important to God.

Have a great day! Shout out to Abby! Know that you all who follow are an inspiration. You have paved a path so that M's isn't as hard. That's more than a mother can hope for. Please let me know your thoughts. I know that I can be rough about some of the less than stellar responses to my blog, but I love your feedback, and I do understand why you want me to fully accept everything in this transition. I'm working on it and really appreciate all of you.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Taking a breather.....or took one......Not sure

I realized, and I put this on my Facebook page, that I don't have any right to be offended when I choose to publicly blog my thoughts. I follow a blog by a guy who's Christian and is all for rights for all, and he gets a lot of shit! Long story short, he posted something I wrote, and of the VERY MANY responses, 3 were not cool! I was offended. My friend was mad because he posted w/o my permission, but it was anonymous, so I don't care, but at the same time, why, when I blog to what could be the masses, I get offended by what is said? I choose to have people let me know what they think. Not saying that the people in question on the other guy's blog were nice. They weren't. I was basically said to be rolling over and taking it, and not having a father in M's life, which isn't true anyway. Whatevs. That's why I had to take a breather from saying anything. It's almost like I want to take a breather from the trans life. It's really hard with school starting and M wanting to be stealth, which is hard when in PE there will be an issue w/ wearing a binder because it restricts breathing. @@ oy. I'm questioning why I'M so worried about this! I need to quit the coddling. Too tired. I'm too sexy for grey hair! ;) I'm going to post some pics just for eye candy. For me. I have a Guinness in the fridge. Might pop it tonight.

Here's what I look at when I have a long day. Something about those Englishmen.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cher and I have something in common.....

I don't know if it comes as a surprise or not, but I just saw Chaz Bono on Oprah reruns for the first time last night. It was like watching me, when I was watching Cher.
We moms, especially single, I think, question a lot of why our kids are the way they are. It was such a relief, though to see that Chaz was very similar to M when it came to the feelings of growing up. And I feel so relieved to start accepting this as a transition in life and not labeling.
I think it was Cher or Oprah or someone on the show who said something about it being awful to grow up and transitioning, and M said, no, it's just how it is. It's not a tragedy to M. It's a tragedy to us, but as I've said before, it's mourning what I now consider my idea of how M should be to seeing a much bigger potential of what M will be.
I liked what Chaz said about other people are more concerned about him getting bottom surgery than he is. Chaz feels comfortable as showing his outer appearance to be male. I saw a lot of similarities between these 2 people, M and Chaz. I lived through Cher, and I liked what she said when she said that she is very feminine and would have a very hard time if she woke up one morning and couldn't be feminine anymore. Me. If I had to wear dresses as a kid, you'd still see me popping wheelies on my banana seat bike with it on, and my mom yelling at me to put my legs together. HAHAHA!! But seriously, my issue isn't being feminine, it's the ideal of what I expect my life and legacy to be like. That is a form of pride that I really don't need in my life anymore. As a Christian, I should just work on the legacy of Jesus to my family, but that damn pride keeps getting in my way! Just something to work on every day. One huge thing that I got out of the show...Chaz's aunt happened to say that it was hard but then she realized she was seeing the same soul the person. If I got nothing out of that segment, THAT is what I would want to remember the most.

I can pull that leotard off, right??

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A little bi-polar, a lot off-topic....or vice versa

Yesterday M and I were talking about how he doesn't want to be labeled trans. I can see that. Why would you want your life to revolve around your gender. Do we really do it that way when we're not paying attention to it in the first place? That's a good question, because I think I've always questioned M's gender in the back of my mind for so long, that it did rule my world a bit. I also am not a very feminine female (AT ALL) so I'm sure that I've always considered myself different than the norm of my gender, but still always considered myself female. Did I just say that?
Anyway, I'm a hopeless romantic that hails from a family of realists. I love Jane Austen, probably because I'm destined for spinsterhood and like to end my stories at the altar. I don't know, but I realized today, after reading one of my silly little stories that I read online (Fanfiction, Don't hate. There are some damn good writers out there that I encourage to publish), I realize that I'm not silly when I consider the circumstances (whether good or bad) that I find myself in, a journey. They need to be. I've always been trying so hard to obtain the goal that the journey has eluded me so long. The end goal? What is the end goal exactly? My kid doesn't want to be labeled as trans, just a boy, but what about the goals in LIFE? M wants to do films. I think I've worried a lot about changing gender would look, but why? Sorta stupid to think that I worry about those things, that somehow it would hinder M's goals in life. I'm realizing that M realizing who he is will solidify those goals, making the journey sweeter.
I haven't written in a while because I have been just being lazy. I haven't had to face this in a few days and don't feel like a drama queen, but I've also had to come to grips that typing he/him/his, is so much more refreshing for M than typing she/her/hers. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now. Can I do it all the time? Maybe in writing. Yesterday, I was looking at M while we were sitting on the couch (M thinks it's creepy, but it's a parent thing) and I thought how pretty M is. But I couldn't say it out loud. Can't seem to say handsome yet. But M isn't pretty per se. M's always been just a good looking kid. Neither in a masculine nor feminine way.

So, the title. Because I'm typing from what I'm thinking, so I don't know how much sense it's making. :D

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Talk and See

I've noticed that I get into myself when it comes to a lot of things in my life lately. I forget to call out to God for my help. He has still helped me through the help of you and just words that come into my head. I, however, don't like the fact that I haven't sought Him out like I normally would. Today, after letting M know that I had some issues of anger over all of this, which I can't quite figure out, but is there, I started questioning. I prayed to God on my way home to give me the help I need. To help M keep looking up to Him also. As I was hauling groceries in, Matthew 12:22 came to mind: "Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see." I had thought that this passage meant that any ailment we had would go away when calling on Jesus, but when this came to me, I realized it's not necessarily the ailment (and I say ailment loosely, so PLEASE DON'T TYPE A "LOVE" NOTE TO ME!!) that goes away, but the shame I may feel of how society would view this.
You hear the evangelical shows with the miracles, and that's great and all, but there are so many others who don't receive the miracle of physical healing so dramatically, and please understand, I've seen these things with my own eyes and believe them, but I asked for this to go away at one point. Just as I asked for my bi-polar disorder to go away, my mom to be able to walk, my fat to melt off my body, etc. It didn't. What did happen was that I learned that it doesn't matter what people think. They have their own ideas. I also learned that people love M just the way he is. I see that by the response that people who have been informed about M's transition letting M know that he's still loved (and most are not surprised). I heard a great song today. I love it. It called to me today. K. That's all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Rehashing Pro-nouns--NEED FEEDBACK!!

The counselor doesn't feel that I'm trying hard enough to use male pronouns. I know there's been contention due to this on this blog. I'm at a loss for words. In my head, M is a he. Is it a heart thing? I don't try to make excuses when it comes to this, but having to explain myself when I use female pronouns is tiring. I wish my head had a window so people could see that I'm saying he/him/his in it.

On this blog, I don't even say it. I speak from the heart on this blog, and I guess my heart still calls M a her/she/hers.

I'm a very proud person, and being called out by the counselor really humbled me. I'm telling you this, because I know that some of you are going FINALLY! She HAS to listen!
No more words. Just need feedback. I know there are lurkers. Gimme the feedback you feel I need that can help me get it from the head to the heart. Lori's great at it, but I need the ones who don't comment much, or have even let me have it. PLEASE???

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Like Jesus

There is a line in "Walk the Line" where June Carter's parents got tell her to take care of Johnny Cash as he's trying to get over his drinking. She feels guilty for the affair she had with him, but her parents said, and I say this NOT verbatim, because it's been years since I've see the movie. "It doesn't matter honey, because we need to love him". If you're not familiar with the Carters, they were a big gospel family in the 40s and 50s. To me, that one statement was the epitome of love and what it meant to be like Jesus. I say this because M told her father and others that she was transgender. (See labels for url.)
Her Dad was so supportive, and I'm so glad because M was so worried about that. To say the least, I am very proud of my kid!
M went to a transgender conference, and at first didn't want to go, but I made her, and guess what? She found out an old friend from her old school was trans, and also made new friends. One that will be going to the same high school! Today was a great day. Seeing happiness in my child from what used to be such a dark place is so awesome!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

They do things a little different in the south.........

Romans 12:2-Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This morning, I told a co-worker about what was going on with M. She said, "Oh, I'll pray for you. Do you have mother/daughter time? That's really what you need to do, etc. Down in the south, they don't condone that sort of thing. It's different up here."
Um...First of all, I'm originally from MONTANA! And if there is ANY place that is similar to the south, it's there, ANNNNDDDD I'm a single mother. We ALWAYS had that kind of time. We would do nails, play games, watch tv, hike, walk, shop. Uh, yeah. Also, M has been raised in a God-fearing household. A household where, if she didn't feel this way, it would have never come up. This is not a rebellion. M went through rebellion at 14. 14 MOST DEFINITELY was rebellion.
I'm so tired and don't want to hear about getting it prayed away. I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT!!
I understand that the people that I tell don't always agree, and probably lay judgment in a quiet manner, but to tell me that I can fix this by doing "mother-daughter" stuff is tiring, because I already thought that through. When your kid tells you that she thinks she's a boy, TRUST ME! You DO try to find ways to change least, I did. Now, it is what it is. M is who s/he is. And she's a he. You heard it here first. Don't rejoice, because who knows when I'll be able to do that again.
SO, you southerners out there, I would love to know what it's really like in the south, and if you're a Yankee, let me know if you grew up in a conservative area like me. How did your people take it? Was it better/worse than you thought?

Saturday, July 30, 2011

One (Lord Make Us One) with Lyrics by Chris Sligh

Just a song that really spoke to me today. I don't particularly like this video, but I like the fact that it had words. I hope you like.


I'm a lot of things. Mother, hard worker, worrier, partier, reader, prayer warrior, and most of all, Control Freak!
My baby is in LA doing the geek convention thing, and guess what? She's not feeling well. I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck in Seattle doing the worrier thing, yet knowing that sending out prayers to my friends on facebook (and my own prayers) will get the job done.
I think that what this thing called motherhood is teaching me, is that I need to let go and let God. I know, they taught me that when I was doing Eating Disorders Anonymous, but we forget that it pertains to our WHOLE LIFE! I remember my friend Bryan telling me that worrying is an agnostic move. If we start worrying and then don't give it to God to control, it's pointless. MUST. REMEMBER. THAT!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Just a short funny....

M went to check into the hotel, and we had some problems with the credit card. When I was talking to the manager, he went to say the he pronoun and then corrected himself. M didn't have a binder, but it obviously is showing in how she presents. Not much else to say today. Went to counseling, so I'm all pooped out when it comes to talking.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Roll your eyes. I know you want to!! If you've never seen my profile, I'm a freak of Twilight. Yes--It's one of those obsessions that is truly sick and twisted. I do try to rein myself in. I now have my life-size Edward hanging in the closet instead of in my room on my wall-which was a gift-I draw the line at buying myself lifesize replicas of R-Pattz, but keep that in mind for future gift-giving that I never look a gift horse in the mouth. ;P
I started thinking about this the other night. I realized that, if you're familiar with these books, that Bella, who, just for the record, was a character I didn't like until the 4th book, made a huge transition that she felt made her stronger. If you're not familiar with these books, (CUE THE "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" MUSIC!) Bella is a depressed (not that it says that, but it's pretty much implied if you know what depression is like) teen who seemed to be totally out of her element as a person, per se. She happens to be the "singer", or bloodlust, of a vampire (Edward, who falls in love w/ her) whose coven is a family that does not drink human blood. They feed off animals. Anyway, long story short, Bella is very needy in the fact that the 2nd book, when her vamp boyfriend Edward leaves her in order not to hurt her (I know, no human can get away with that line, but he's a killer vampire, mind you), she befriends Jake, who happens to shift into a wolf who protects his Native tribe from vampires, and Bella seems to not be able to live without either of them (though it's not romantic w/ Jake, even though he wants it to be). Have I lost you yet?? Sorry....There's a lot more to the story, but the point that I'm making is that Bella never felt right as a human. When she gets Edward back, they end up getting married in the 4th book, and she gets changed into a really kick-ass vampire, which I fall in love with! To me, she becomes the epitome of strength that she should be.
I'm seeing that in M. M is finally becoming the person that s/he needs to be. It's going to be a long road, but I was assured that we will get through it. I believe we will, not unscathed, but with more wisdom and openness that is important in this new phase of our lives.
I'm going to be an empty nester in the next year or 2. Because M has been gone with her Godparents until this week, and will be gone this weekend, I'm really feeling the effects of what that's like. It's scary and a little lonely. I hope that this next year gives M the readiness for the future and what's in store, and I hope and pray that it's good!
As for me, feeling the effects of empty-nest makes me want to really figure out what I want to be a part of in the coming years. Whether I make a career change, or become a part of something outside of my career.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I got a book that was rec'd by M's therapist called the Transgender Child by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper. I'm only on page 8 and am already toting it to whoever may need it out in the world. I even rec it to the parents of grown transgenders. It will help them understand the growth and they may even say...ah HA!!!

I got a comment from Lori about how fast I'm accepting all this. Ironic, as I had been thinking the same thing. However, I have to realize that it wasn't in March, when M told me that she thought that she was confused that I knew this. I can look back and tell you that M was never your typical child. M was totally different. Sports was huge in M's life. M was also on the BOYS lacrosse team from 4th-the beginning season of 7th grade because they didn't have a girl's team until 8th grade. She did 8th, but hated it. She didn't like the girls' dynamics in both the sport or the attitude. Looking back, I can see the depression started when she quit the boys lacrosse. M was treated so poorly by the team, that she actually felt sexually harassed. When I confronted the coaches, they told her to go to the girls team. Back then I had a hard time dealing with anything that would be involving the law and ethics, so M just transferred to the girls' team, and enjoyed the first year. After 2nd year, M lost all interest in sports.
Needless to say, up until a couple years ago, it's been a tough road, but we're stronger, and M is stronger because now M has an identity, and I have the acceptance to finally face it.
Because this isn't anything new in what I consider M's way of living, I think I've been able to understand things faster. In actuality, I honestly think that the binder will be something that M isn't ready for, only because it is something that will physically make her look different (we actually aren't endowed in that dept, so it's not going to be a huge shocker when it's on). It's more something that shows her that I'm okay with this, and M can work through the steps that are necessary.

Make sense? Would love your comments or concerns. BTW, didn't get to Capitol Hill today, only because I didn't realize how behind on summer school she is and vid-con's hanging in the air like a golden carrot to a horse.


M is going to L.A. for a vid-con next weekend. I'm very excited to see her go out into the world without me. I'm one of those people that either holds her kid too close like a mother bear, or drops it out of the nest like an eagle.
This is something that has been anticipated because it will mark M's first time as going someplace where s/he will go as M, the young man. I'm excited for this, yet rather scared at the same time. I trust M will make good decisions, so I anticipate M to not take any drinks from people (preferably non-alcoholic), check in each evening when getting back, and get help when needed. Today we are going up to Capital Hill to a store that sells binders. M doesn't know we're doing that yet, but I think it's important. In my view, it's something that I've procrastinated on. But first, we're going to church and having dinner with the family.
I told M's aunt, who is a good friend of mine (father's sister) about M. I'm glad I talked to her because she told me that I may not want to tell other people in the family besides M's uncle, as the family is quite conservative and may blame me and stuff. Good pointers. I do know that M's grandma tends to look at how people raise their children and the problems they have. I could say some things about her 2nd offspring, but that's the old Gretchen who tries very hard not to judge. Marcia is Marcia, and she's still very much a part of our life, and always will be, even if M comes out to her.
Anyway, I continue to feel overwhelmed and appreciative of the support and pointers that I'm given by you. It's been the community of followers, blogs, and professionals that have helped me take a big leap in the past few weeks by stepping back and seeing what I need to do to continue supporting M.

Thank you, and I actually am in the middle of writing another entry that I may put on tonight or tomorrow. You will probably see more this week just because this is an outlet, and there's a lot of stress going on in the household. M needs to finish her summer school before going to L.A., and I know that's gonna be a drama in our household. My house will be a stage this week with all of it, I'm sure.

Take care!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

न्यू थिंग्स

Okay, I'm not sure why my title is in Arabic, but it's 11:30 and I don't care, but it says "New Things".
Anyway, about 25 years ago, when I lived in Yakima, WA, which is 100 or so miles from Seattle, I helped some friends' brother move to where I live now, in Bellevue. I just moved hear from another Seattle Suburb, and the other day I was thinking that I didn't know where in the world the place in Bellevue was that we moved the friend all those years ago. Today, my friend Dave and I went driving around and I found it. The reason I recognized it was because of the view from the street we were on. Really pretty view of an inlet from Lake Washington.

I've worked in Bellevue for 6 years, and until tonight, I never ventured beyond Bellevue Way. Huh...New stuff. I then proceeded to tell Dave that we had to hurry home in order to hang out with the new cat. Did I mention that he's 20 pounds? M's gonna be very excited. I really don't feel that s/he'll appreciate sharing a bed with Jack, though, because it's like sleeping with another person, he's so big. BTW, today I thought that I am now outnumbered 2-1.


Enough with the heavy, Gretch! ;)

Today we got a cat. His name is Captain Jack, as in Harkness, not Sparrow. His name originally is Max. M loves Torchwood, so Max is now Jack. I really hope he likes his name. If he doesn't, I hope that he has the voice to tell us, and, with all the support we can get, we accept his name as Max.
Am I sounding a little passive-aggressive right now? I'm thankful for all the support I've been getting from all of you, whether good or bad. I didn't think that when I wrote this blog, that I would get comments about my parenting skills. This is the last entry that I'm going to make regarding a reply to a comment, but I want to assure you that 18 years ago, when I had a baby girl, I did not worry about whether her gender was going to be a choice in her life. I worried about the fact that her father was a threat to us as a human being, who I would give custody to if I died, whether or not she was going to have sex as a teen, and what career path she would choose. And most of all, everyday, I always questioned my parenting skills. Because of that, it has prepared me for what has been going on in M's life now. I can truly say that my choice of becoming a parent has been a roller coaster all of that time, and I LOVE riding it. The mistakes I have made have nothing to do with what kind of person M is now, and the decision on becoming a mother altogether is another story. One that was not made lightly. God has been the center of our lives, and because of that, I have been able to be challenged and keep coming back to the same conclusion, of loving my child.
This is the 2nd heavy blog I've made in a row. I planned on approaching this subject with a mix of humor and angst, which, in future posts you will see that.
Thank you to all who support and respond. Remember, I don't reject criticism, but I do reject judgment from people that do not have a clue of my personal feelings and life as a parent.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


As I've been writing this blog, I have been aware that I don't use male pronouns. This has not been in the disrespect of my child or to anyone reading this. M is well aware of the fact that this is a hurdle that I have yet to leap. I'm fortunate that I have an understanding child, and that through counseling, we've both been made aware of what we are able to take in. Using female pronouns is my way of not letting go of the daughter that I still see sometimes. It may be selfish, but it's the last thing I have that I'm grasping onto. You know when you're fighting in a tug-of-war with something, and you picture all 10 fingers holding firm to whatever it is you're trying to grasp? I'm still doing that. But it's not w/ 10 fingers anymore. It's with maybe 6, 7, or 8. It's been through the support of my followers and other friends, who DO use the male pronouns when they are talking to or about M, that I have been able to start letting go. I am envious of the parents that I read about that were accepting from the beginning. I wish I had felt that way, and I am learning from them and others.
To those who have taken offense, I still need you to comment and help me through this transition to full acceptance. That may mean that you will still cringe or be upset when I say "she". I'm too empathic not to know that my female pronouns may affect others' feelings, but this blog is for my processing more than M's. Stick with me. I am selfish, but I also adore and am very much in love with who M is becoming. But it's a huge contrast to the baby pics of pink and ribbons that are hanging on my bedroom wall-which, by the way, was a compromise between us. M doesn't want the "girl" pics in a public part of the house.

I do ask the trans-gender community how you or your families have dealt with things as simple as pictures. Will M start accepting the past as the metamorphosis (thx HC84 for that term-I love it) gets stronger?

Love, Gretchen

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Apples, cereal, milk, CAR INSURANCE!!

As I was driving home from work on Friday, I started making my weekly grocery list in my head. Car insurance then popped up. Car insurance. My child doesn't have her/his license yet, but I thought about the difference in car insurance between males and females. So before I go on, please, anyone, let me know about what gender you would put on for insurance. I know in medical situations, as I work in that field, M will always be female by medical standards, at least to my knowledge where I work. But how does car insurance work?

We were at church, and M is so loved by so many people there! We go to a great church where it's affirming and welcoming, because that's what Christ wants! It's almost like the last 12 years that we've been there has led up to this whole moment of M's coming to grips w/ who s/he is. If you're not from Seattle, you probably hear that it's a very liberal and affirming place to live for people who are different. It is. However, Seattle has suburbs and outlying areas that aren't always as welcoming--I actually would compare Seattle to Washington State as Austin is to Texas. We lived (we just moved so I could be closer to my job) in a more conservative community, but due to family and friends, we still go to church there. This was the first Sunday where we "commuted" to church---stick with me, the point is in the next paragraph.

Since Thursday, when we went to the gender therapist, I've had a few days to digest what Doc Marcia has said. Things such as M feels s/he's lying to herself, the continuity of these feelings since childhood, etc. Because of that, at church, it was weird to actually talk to people and hear them and myself talking about M as a female. Obviously most people don't know about it, so it's no big deal about the pronoun issue, and M understands, but then I was getting befuddled. LOL!! What was going on in my ADD brain was quite amusing, actually. We were decorating for vacation bible school, and M was helping out and when s/he was around, and someone said how wonderful SHE is....and I felt torn as whether to correct the person. It's almost like, if that person would say HE, I would be more inclined to say HE. I'm proud of M's accomplishments. There's a good head on those shoulders, and I realized, as I was hanging up paper lanterns, that I need to, at this moment, concentrate on M's accomplishments, and trust God that s/he knows how to handle this in her life, and s/he will rely on Him. There was a scripture today (Proverbs is all that I know, and then Luke--I was too caught up in the scripture to remember the chapters) that I thought about a lot, and then it was reiterated on a forum (shout out to y'all! you know who you are!), but it talks about the shame and sin is taken away through Christ, and He wants us to come to him as we are! Made me feel better.

This week, I'm actually childless, as M is a crew leader at Vacation Bible School, and is staying w/ her Godparents, but I'm sure my blog will be ongoing as I continue to question, grieve, rejoice, and fellowship with God and the new friends I'm making.

Thank you to all who are reading and commenting. It means a lot to me!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Good Life

Today was the day we went to the gender therapist. S/he definitely has what is called gender identity disorder, which, I really don't feel is a disorder. I know it's who she is.
What freaked me out is that the doc, when talking about her, said his, him, he...out of respect for her patient, obviously, and it was really tough to hear, but at the same time, it was a relief. Does that make sense? I think it's because I now am accepting that this is for real.
I think it's hard in some respects, though, because I still see the girl in many ways. The way she calls me mommy (you know, the manipulative way when they want something), or just some of the neediness that is part of a daughter, not a son. I'm really tired and at a loss for words. Today was a lot to take in, and then when M was going to the HP opener (which isn't even open here yet, as it's 11pm PDT) and couldn't figure out how to catch the bus there, I about lost it. I know something as little as that doesn't make sense, but it was a pain for me today. PMS anyone?? So, on that note, I turned on the radio on the way home and found this song. Put me in a great mood, and made me quite happy!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Drawing the line at Axe

Sometimes I work with high school kids. High school boys have a loyal following to Axe body products. Deodorants, aftershave, body wash. Somehow, the girls love the smell, so the boy thinks that the more he puts on, the more girls will be turned on.....I guess. Anyway, the other day, we were in the drugstore, and all of a sudden "Mom, I want to get Axe deodorant" was heard out of the mouth of my child. Needless to say, I had a tough time with this. Axe is for boys. That's what my child (obviously) thinks she is, which is fine. I've let her shop in the men's departments since she was 10, and now she wants to make the shift over to men's deodorant. Not sure what I think of that.
You may think that it's trivial, but it's hard. I'm losing a daughter when I say yes to each masculine thing that she wants. As much as I am relieved about all this, and that I can joke at some level, I am still hurting that I'm losing a daughter---the hope that she will wear a wedding dress to her wedding, or want children someday. And if you think she's too young to make this decision, well, I thought so, too, but if I really, REALLY think about it, this decision was made a VERY long time ago. I sometimes still hold my breath. I see the mother instinct she has toward children, but I know that she wouldn't put up with them for long, but that's about it. She's always been different.
But I'm not ready to buy her Axe.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hitting Home

We are in the transition of moving from one part of the Seattle area to the other. I want to be closer to my job, which will cost me about $300 more in rent, but it pays off for the gas and time that is spent to get home.

I'm really looking forward to it.
In the meantime, we are staying with some great friends who have been extreme supporters in our lives. Especially for my kid. Having them in our lives and depending on them as "surrogate parents" sometimes, makes me know that I've done right by her. This shows me that I can't blame my parenting all the time.

I know, I'm truly narcistic (sp?) when it comes to my skills and how she turned out. I know for a fact that I didn't always do right by her, but I'm learning to not worry about it anymore. How can that be possible? Well, I think it's the grace of God, really. My dependence on Him helps me tune out the bad and bring on the good points of going through this. Does it mean I'm in denial? Hell no! But beating myself up doesn't make me a better parent. Moving forward does. And if anyone knows me well enough, moving forward is one step, while looking back is at least 2 of them. I need to learn from my mistakes, but I don't need to live by them, which is what I'm trying to work on. Now, I just need to support and be supported.

I would love to know your thoughts. Please drop a line.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


I just realized something on the way home from work tonight. I've compared my child to so many people, and I realized that once she told me she didn't feel like a girl, I didn't feel like I was comparing. It blows me away. As much as I was upset about her "coming out", I felt relieved in so many other ways!
Just think, I don't have as many kids to compare her to-not that I should do that, but it's in my WASP nature. However, I realize how I really don't plan on doing that anymore. How can I compare? Why did I ever? I vowed all my life not to be like my mom and compare and be envious of people. I've not had the envy part. I like to live minimally, but I do compare my child and wish that she did more things, or was more a girly-girl, or whatever. No more. She's awesome. She's also 18. I need to start letting her fly. That's hard to do.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


As a Christian, I have felt the pressure of moral and ethical issues in many realms. I feel that all people have ethical rights, whether to marry, get insurance, keep a job. As a person who was raised by parents who saw potential in everything, I also have tried to abide by what I was raised with. Trans-gender issues were okay with me because they weren't happening to me. Boy, was I wrong. I have gone through the denial phase of the five stages of grief. My anger that I'm supposed to feel, was more of frustration. Frustration of "what will people think" or listening to people who deem this life unacceptable. I'm too worried about that stuff, and I don't know if I've gone through the depression stage yet....I'm thinking I have. I say I don't know because I have dealt with depression a lot, so triggering the topic to be the cause is not necessarily true. I know I feel the anxiety for her acceptance, if that makes any sense. I really pray for her to be accepted by her peers and also that she puts God first and foremost in her/his life.
I've found a home in a forum for people who are gay or transgender. I NEED TO MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EDUCATED ON THIS TOPIC: GENDER IDENTITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION ARE NOT IN CORRELATION WITH EACH OTHER. I don't know why I find TQ topics under gay forums. Let me know why that is.
I'm tired, but really wanted to get this post up.


Hi! As you can read from the header, that's what I am. I can't let that define me, though. As a wonderful woman on a forum for LGBTQ (Lesbian,gay, bisexual, transgender questioning) site said "I am first and foremost a daughter of God."

I am straight as an arrow. I have already questioned my parenting skills and how they affected my child (I still say daughter-not because of denial, but because I am her mother, and I have yet to feel comfortable with male pronouns), but thanks to wonderful support, I know that it was nothing I did. Because of this, I feel good in knowing that I did the best I could with what I had, and God was always there watching me and taking care of me. He has worked his power through friends, family, and counselors that know how tough this can be.
I really hope that you enjoy my roller coaster ride through this life and change. I want to advocate and help her through this.