Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feeling Melodramatic tonight.

I think that when I'm thrust in a situation where I'm to accept something that I never thought I would have to deal with, I feel that, when the moment arises, I should be able to pop a joke. I saw on Craigslist an ad for a job that said "Bikini Girls Wanted". I'm sure I will get an of comments from this. I joked to M that they were hiring the above subject, and it turned into an all-out yelling match about how I'm not respecting him and that I can't take jokes either. WHAT! EVER! I'm so pissed right now, that I don't even know what else to say. I'm not asking for advice, but I AM saying that I guess that as a heavy girl, I wouldn't have joked to M about the bikini thing, but I guess I thought as a boy, it would be okay, because I sometimes I need to get through this with some humor in order to not be worried about whether or not he will make friends, get his ass kicked, or just be able to be a normal boy. And before you come to his rescue, understand that we have always been able to joke, and I really thought he would take it funnily enough.

I'm pissed because I've been stewing. This has just be the formidable straw. Don't ask what I've been stewing about. I don't even think I know.
Brooding Edward has nothing on me right now......

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Feeling spiritually away from God right now.....ugh!

Sometimes I wonder where the fire I had for God went. When did it start to smolder and seem to cool so much? I'm hoping it's just a season in my life that I feel this way. I know that a lot of you followers are here for my thoughts on M's transition, but I have to say that, in the midst of the depression, transition, and some of my hang-ups that I don't mention here, I have lost the fire I had. I try to get it back. I desperately want to connect with people who I haven't talked to in years due to life or distance, just to feel the ignition for the fire I once had in feeling God close to me, even in the tough times.
I think sometimes having a child that is not the accepted norm of society, especially "Christian" society (I say that loosely, referring to religious right that so dominates how the world sees Christendom), I am torn between 2 worlds. The love and acceptance that Jesus is, and the condemnation of judgment. I have a friend who has a step-daughter that he's raised from the time she was 3, and he always questions how God will see him since she has become a drug user and he feels he somehow didn't do right by her. It blows me away for him to think that, as he is such a force of what God wants. Taking someone's child to raise and love as his own. Then there's me, who, by standards of some, have just let my daughter turn into a son. I know that's a bad statement, and I know that those people don't see in my heart of the agony that I went through in accepting it. But I have, and if that somehow makes me a bad parent, well, I have other issues that could have made me a bad parent.
I long to be a child of God who counts and leans on Him so much that I accept and live in His light, and be a model for M, even though M is grown in many ways. I pray that I do that. I feel much better now.
I was looking at my playlist. It's called "Why I write". It's very fitting. A lot of the songs on here are laments to God. Although secular, there is pain in the lyrics. There's a song from Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" that makes me realize that our laments are important to God.

Have a great day! Shout out to Abby! Know that you all who follow are an inspiration. You have paved a path so that M's isn't as hard. That's more than a mother can hope for. Please let me know your thoughts. I know that I can be rough about some of the less than stellar responses to my blog, but I love your feedback, and I do understand why you want me to fully accept everything in this transition. I'm working on it and really appreciate all of you.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Taking a breather.....or took one......Not sure

I realized, and I put this on my Facebook page, that I don't have any right to be offended when I choose to publicly blog my thoughts. I follow a blog by a guy who's Christian and is all for rights for all, and he gets a lot of shit! Long story short, he posted something I wrote, and of the VERY MANY responses, 3 were not cool! I was offended. My friend was mad because he posted w/o my permission, but it was anonymous, so I don't care, but at the same time, why, when I blog to what could be the masses, I get offended by what is said? I choose to have people let me know what they think. Not saying that the people in question on the other guy's blog were nice. They weren't. I was basically said to be rolling over and taking it, and not having a father in M's life, which isn't true anyway. Whatevs. That's why I had to take a breather from saying anything. It's almost like I want to take a breather from the trans life. It's really hard with school starting and M wanting to be stealth, which is hard when in PE there will be an issue w/ wearing a binder because it restricts breathing. @@ oy. I'm questioning why I'M so worried about this! I need to quit the coddling. Too tired. I'm too sexy for grey hair! ;) I'm going to post some pics just for eye candy. For me. I have a Guinness in the fridge. Might pop it tonight.

Here's what I look at when I have a long day. Something about those Englishmen.