Sometimes I wonder where the fire I had for God went. When did it start to smolder and seem to cool so much? I'm hoping it's just a season in my life that I feel this way. I know that a lot of you followers are here for my thoughts on M's transition, but I have to say that, in the midst of the depression, transition, and some of my hang-ups that I don't mention here, I have lost the fire I had. I try to get it back. I desperately want to connect with people who I haven't talked to in years due to life or distance, just to feel the ignition for the fire I once had in feeling God close to me, even in the tough times.
I think sometimes having a child that is not the accepted norm of society, especially "Christian" society (I say that loosely, referring to religious right that so dominates how the world sees Christendom), I am torn between 2 worlds. The love and acceptance that Jesus is, and the condemnation of judgment. I have a friend who has a step-daughter that he's raised from the time she was 3, and he always questions how God will see him since she has become a drug user and he feels he somehow didn't do right by her. It blows me away for him to think that, as he is such a force of what God wants. Taking someone's child to raise and love as his own. Then there's me, who, by standards of some, have just let my daughter turn into a son. I know that's a bad statement, and I know that those people don't see in my heart of the agony that I went through in accepting it. But I have, and if that somehow makes me a bad parent, well, I have other issues that could have made me a bad parent.
I long to be a child of God who counts and leans on Him so much that I accept and live in His light, and be a model for M, even though M is grown in many ways. I pray that I do that. I feel much better now.
I was looking at my playlist. It's called "Why I write". It's very fitting. A lot of the songs on here are laments to God. Although secular, there is pain in the lyrics. There's a song from Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" that makes me realize that our laments are important to God.
Have a great day! Shout out to Abby! Know that you all who follow are an inspiration. You have paved a path so that M's isn't as hard. That's more than a mother can hope for. Please let me know your thoughts. I know that I can be rough about some of the less than stellar responses to my blog, but I love your feedback, and I do understand why you want me to fully accept everything in this transition. I'm working on it and really appreciate all of you.
Unless we're really lucky I think all of us go through periods where we don't feel close to God. I've still to finish reading her biography but apparently Mother Theresa had her own struggles in that area.
ReplyDeleteI know that recently I've been feeling far from God and even angry with him but even though I don't necessary pray to him and have found reasons over the summer not to go to church I still talk to him.
Yesterday was one of those moments though when after feeling so far from him and so angry with him within the space of 5 minutes everything changed and once again I felt closer to him, if not as close as I once felt. Its going to take time for me to regain that closeness but I'm going to try, not matter what is going on in my life or whether Christian friends approve of it.
I hope that given time you can find yourself growing closer to God again. Just keep talking to him and I'm sure that it will happen.
I'm glad we talked tonight. I'm glad I can call you friend.
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