Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cher and I have something in common.....

I don't know if it comes as a surprise or not, but I just saw Chaz Bono on Oprah reruns for the first time last night. It was like watching me, when I was watching Cher.
We moms, especially single, I think, question a lot of why our kids are the way they are. It was such a relief, though to see that Chaz was very similar to M when it came to the feelings of growing up. And I feel so relieved to start accepting this as a transition in life and not labeling.
I think it was Cher or Oprah or someone on the show who said something about it being awful to grow up and transitioning, and M said, no, it's just how it is. It's not a tragedy to M. It's a tragedy to us, but as I've said before, it's mourning what I now consider my idea of how M should be to seeing a much bigger potential of what M will be.
I liked what Chaz said about other people are more concerned about him getting bottom surgery than he is. Chaz feels comfortable as showing his outer appearance to be male. I saw a lot of similarities between these 2 people, M and Chaz. I lived through Cher, and I liked what she said when she said that she is very feminine and would have a very hard time if she woke up one morning and couldn't be feminine anymore. Me. If I had to wear dresses as a kid, you'd still see me popping wheelies on my banana seat bike with it on, and my mom yelling at me to put my legs together. HAHAHA!! But seriously, my issue isn't being feminine, it's the ideal of what I expect my life and legacy to be like. That is a form of pride that I really don't need in my life anymore. As a Christian, I should just work on the legacy of Jesus to my family, but that damn pride keeps getting in my way! Just something to work on every day. One huge thing that I got out of the show...Chaz's aunt happened to say that it was hard but then she realized she was seeing the same soul the person. If I got nothing out of that segment, THAT is what I would want to remember the most.

I can pull that leotard off, right??

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A little bi-polar, a lot off-topic....or vice versa

Yesterday M and I were talking about how he doesn't want to be labeled trans. I can see that. Why would you want your life to revolve around your gender. Do we really do it that way when we're not paying attention to it in the first place? That's a good question, because I think I've always questioned M's gender in the back of my mind for so long, that it did rule my world a bit. I also am not a very feminine female (AT ALL) so I'm sure that I've always considered myself different than the norm of my gender, but still always considered myself female. Did I just say that?
Anyway, I'm a hopeless romantic that hails from a family of realists. I love Jane Austen, probably because I'm destined for spinsterhood and like to end my stories at the altar. I don't know, but I realized today, after reading one of my silly little stories that I read online (Fanfiction, Don't hate. There are some damn good writers out there that I encourage to publish), I realize that I'm not silly when I consider the circumstances (whether good or bad) that I find myself in, a journey. They need to be. I've always been trying so hard to obtain the goal that the journey has eluded me so long. The end goal? What is the end goal exactly? My kid doesn't want to be labeled as trans, just a boy, but what about the goals in LIFE? M wants to do films. I think I've worried a lot about changing gender would look, but why? Sorta stupid to think that I worry about those things, that somehow it would hinder M's goals in life. I'm realizing that M realizing who he is will solidify those goals, making the journey sweeter.
I haven't written in a while because I have been just being lazy. I haven't had to face this in a few days and don't feel like a drama queen, but I've also had to come to grips that typing he/him/his, is so much more refreshing for M than typing she/her/hers. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now. Can I do it all the time? Maybe in writing. Yesterday, I was looking at M while we were sitting on the couch (M thinks it's creepy, but it's a parent thing) and I thought how pretty M is. But I couldn't say it out loud. Can't seem to say handsome yet. But M isn't pretty per se. M's always been just a good looking kid. Neither in a masculine nor feminine way.

So, the title. Because I'm typing from what I'm thinking, so I don't know how much sense it's making. :D

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Talk and See

I've noticed that I get into myself when it comes to a lot of things in my life lately. I forget to call out to God for my help. He has still helped me through the help of you and just words that come into my head. I, however, don't like the fact that I haven't sought Him out like I normally would. Today, after letting M know that I had some issues of anger over all of this, which I can't quite figure out, but is there, I started questioning. I prayed to God on my way home to give me the help I need. To help M keep looking up to Him also. As I was hauling groceries in, Matthew 12:22 came to mind: "Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see." I had thought that this passage meant that any ailment we had would go away when calling on Jesus, but when this came to me, I realized it's not necessarily the ailment (and I say ailment loosely, so PLEASE DON'T TYPE A "LOVE" NOTE TO ME!!) that goes away, but the shame I may feel of how society would view this.
You hear the evangelical shows with the miracles, and that's great and all, but there are so many others who don't receive the miracle of physical healing so dramatically, and please understand, I've seen these things with my own eyes and believe them, but I asked for this to go away at one point. Just as I asked for my bi-polar disorder to go away, my mom to be able to walk, my fat to melt off my body, etc. It didn't. What did happen was that I learned that it doesn't matter what people think. They have their own ideas. I also learned that people love M just the way he is. I see that by the response that people who have been informed about M's transition letting M know that he's still loved (and most are not surprised). I heard a great song today. I love it. It called to me today. K. That's all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Rehashing Pro-nouns--NEED FEEDBACK!!

The counselor doesn't feel that I'm trying hard enough to use male pronouns. I know there's been contention due to this on this blog. I'm at a loss for words. In my head, M is a he. Is it a heart thing? I don't try to make excuses when it comes to this, but having to explain myself when I use female pronouns is tiring. I wish my head had a window so people could see that I'm saying he/him/his in it.

On this blog, I don't even say it. I speak from the heart on this blog, and I guess my heart still calls M a her/she/hers.

I'm a very proud person, and being called out by the counselor really humbled me. I'm telling you this, because I know that some of you are going FINALLY! She HAS to listen!
No more words. Just need feedback. I know there are lurkers. Gimme the feedback you feel I need that can help me get it from the head to the heart. Lori's great at it, but I need the ones who don't comment much, or have even let me have it. PLEASE???

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Like Jesus

There is a line in "Walk the Line" where June Carter's parents got tell her to take care of Johnny Cash as he's trying to get over his drinking. She feels guilty for the affair she had with him, but her parents said, and I say this NOT verbatim, because it's been years since I've see the movie. "It doesn't matter honey, because we need to love him". If you're not familiar with the Carters, they were a big gospel family in the 40s and 50s. To me, that one statement was the epitome of love and what it meant to be like Jesus. I say this because M told her father and others that she was transgender. (See labels for url.)
Her Dad was so supportive, and I'm so glad because M was so worried about that. To say the least, I am very proud of my kid!
M went to a transgender conference, and at first didn't want to go, but I made her, and guess what? She found out an old friend from her old school was trans, and also made new friends. One that will be going to the same high school! Today was a great day. Seeing happiness in my child from what used to be such a dark place is so awesome!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

They do things a little different in the south.........

Romans 12:2-Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This morning, I told a co-worker about what was going on with M. She said, "Oh, I'll pray for you. Do you have mother/daughter time? That's really what you need to do, etc. Down in the south, they don't condone that sort of thing. It's different up here."
Um...First of all, I'm originally from MONTANA! And if there is ANY place that is similar to the south, it's there, ANNNNDDDD I'm a single mother. We ALWAYS had that kind of time. We would do nails, play games, watch tv, hike, walk, shop. Uh, yeah. Also, M has been raised in a God-fearing household. A household where, if she didn't feel this way, it would have never come up. This is not a rebellion. M went through rebellion at 14. 14 MOST DEFINITELY was rebellion.
I'm so tired and don't want to hear about getting it prayed away. I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT!!
I understand that the people that I tell don't always agree, and probably lay judgment in a quiet manner, but to tell me that I can fix this by doing "mother-daughter" stuff is tiring, because I already thought that through. When your kid tells you that she thinks she's a boy, TRUST ME! You DO try to find ways to change that...at least, I did. Now, it is what it is. M is who s/he is. And she's a he. You heard it here first. Don't rejoice, because who knows when I'll be able to do that again.
SO, you southerners out there, I would love to know what it's really like in the south, and if you're a Yankee, let me know if you grew up in a conservative area like me. How did your people take it? Was it better/worse than you thought?