Saturday, August 20, 2011

A little bi-polar, a lot off-topic....or vice versa

Yesterday M and I were talking about how he doesn't want to be labeled trans. I can see that. Why would you want your life to revolve around your gender. Do we really do it that way when we're not paying attention to it in the first place? That's a good question, because I think I've always questioned M's gender in the back of my mind for so long, that it did rule my world a bit. I also am not a very feminine female (AT ALL) so I'm sure that I've always considered myself different than the norm of my gender, but still always considered myself female. Did I just say that?
Anyway, I'm a hopeless romantic that hails from a family of realists. I love Jane Austen, probably because I'm destined for spinsterhood and like to end my stories at the altar. I don't know, but I realized today, after reading one of my silly little stories that I read online (Fanfiction, Don't hate. There are some damn good writers out there that I encourage to publish), I realize that I'm not silly when I consider the circumstances (whether good or bad) that I find myself in, a journey. They need to be. I've always been trying so hard to obtain the goal that the journey has eluded me so long. The end goal? What is the end goal exactly? My kid doesn't want to be labeled as trans, just a boy, but what about the goals in LIFE? M wants to do films. I think I've worried a lot about changing gender would look, but why? Sorta stupid to think that I worry about those things, that somehow it would hinder M's goals in life. I'm realizing that M realizing who he is will solidify those goals, making the journey sweeter.
I haven't written in a while because I have been just being lazy. I haven't had to face this in a few days and don't feel like a drama queen, but I've also had to come to grips that typing he/him/his, is so much more refreshing for M than typing she/her/hers. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now. Can I do it all the time? Maybe in writing. Yesterday, I was looking at M while we were sitting on the couch (M thinks it's creepy, but it's a parent thing) and I thought how pretty M is. But I couldn't say it out loud. Can't seem to say handsome yet. But M isn't pretty per se. M's always been just a good looking kid. Neither in a masculine nor feminine way.

So, the title. Because I'm typing from what I'm thinking, so I don't know how much sense it's making. :D

1 comment:

  1. The thing is, "transgender" is not specifically a gender like masculine, feminine, and neuter. It's a label used to encapsulate anyone who acts, appears, etc as a member of a gender other than their birth gender. I have a big problem with trying to apply that specific label to my personal situation, and can believe your spouse and child have similar problems. Many, MANY of us do. For me, the label just doesn't seem to apply for several reasons.

    First, the label implies that my gender is changing (trans - gender). I am a transitioning transsexual female, who is changing her sex chemically, physically, and socially to match what her brain expects. My gender is in no way changing, transitioning, or whatever (it's the only thing not changing at this point). You also need to view this as what it is.. transitional, meaning that at some point, the individual who is going through the process would naturally expect to reach wherever it is they are transitioning to eventually and thus the "trans" portion would no longer be valid anyway.

    trans·gen·der (adj) - of, relating to, or being a person (as a transsexual or transvestite) who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person's gender at birth

    Second, as the definition above suggests, I am supposedly exhibiting traits of a gender other than the one I was born with. But this is actually backwards in my case. My birth gender is female, yet for most of my life I have had to exhibit traits one expects of a male. Wouldn't the life I lead before starting my life over as female be more fitting of the "transgender" definition? This very thing actually came up during one of my earliest therapy sessions, back before I actually came out as transsexual and only wore women's clothes every now and then. Point blank, the therapist asked me "Do you ever crossdress?" Of course, my response was an emphatic "Yes, I have been crossdressing as a male for most of my life."

    While I do understand that today I am in a transitional state, and to the outside world I probably do appear to exhibit traits of both masculine and feminine genders (although not nearly so much as even a year ago), eventually I do plan to reach a point where I see myself entirely as feminine. When this point is reached, I can't see how the label would make sense when applied to me (and honestly, I don't think it really applies even now). I do, however, see myself as "transsexual" (yes, I am absolutely transitioning between sexes) and suspect I probably always will.. but to me this more as a medical condition I suffer from, which requires medical treatment to correct rather than a group identifier.