As I was driving home from work on Friday, I started making my weekly grocery list in my head. Car insurance then popped up. Car insurance. My child doesn't have her/his license yet, but I thought about the difference in car insurance between males and females. So before I go on, please, anyone, let me know about what gender you would put on for insurance. I know in medical situations, as I work in that field, M will always be female by medical standards, at least to my knowledge where I work. But how does car insurance work?
We were at church, and M is so loved by so many people there! We go to a great church where it's affirming and welcoming, because that's what Christ wants! It's almost like the last 12 years that we've been there has led up to this whole moment of M's coming to grips w/ who s/he is. If you're not from Seattle, you probably hear that it's a very liberal and affirming place to live for people who are different. It is. However, Seattle has suburbs and outlying areas that aren't always as welcoming--I actually would compare Seattle to Washington State as Austin is to Texas. We lived (we just moved so I could be closer to my job) in a more conservative community, but due to family and friends, we still go to church there. This was the first Sunday where we "commuted" to church---stick with me, the point is in the next paragraph.
Since Thursday, when we went to the gender therapist, I've had a few days to digest what Doc Marcia has said. Things such as M feels s/he's lying to herself, the continuity of these feelings since childhood, etc. Because of that, at church, it was weird to actually talk to people and hear them and myself talking about M as a female. Obviously most people don't know about it, so it's no big deal about the pronoun issue, and M understands, but then I was getting befuddled. LOL!! What was going on in my ADD brain was quite amusing, actually. We were decorating for vacation bible school, and M was helping out and when s/he was around, and someone said how wonderful SHE is....and I felt torn as whether to correct the person. It's almost like, if that person would say HE, I would be more inclined to say HE. I'm proud of M's accomplishments. There's a good head on those shoulders, and I realized, as I was hanging up paper lanterns, that I need to, at this moment, concentrate on M's accomplishments, and trust God that s/he knows how to handle this in her life, and s/he will rely on Him. There was a scripture today (Proverbs is all that I know, and then Luke--I was too caught up in the scripture to remember the chapters) that I thought about a lot, and then it was reiterated on a forum (shout out to y'all! you know who you are!), but it talks about the shame and sin is taken away through Christ, and He wants us to come to him as we are! Made me feel better.
This week, I'm actually childless, as M is a crew leader at Vacation Bible School, and is staying w/ her Godparents, but I'm sure my blog will be ongoing as I continue to question, grieve, rejoice, and fellowship with God and the new friends I'm making.
Thank you to all who are reading and commenting. It means a lot to me!!
I know you are supportive of your child. I get that, but as a trans person myself, I am disturbed when you refer to you child as "her" and especially "s/he." I know he still may look like your daughter, but for him to believe that you are supportive, do change the pronouns you use for him. He will appreciate it and love you all the more for it.
ReplyDeleteI was at Nashville Pride at, our support groups table, last month talked to a young trans guy. He was probably pre-everything, but he did have a binder on, so I knew he was pretty serious. As we concluded our discussion he thanked me for only using male pronouns. He said I was the only one that really ever acknowledged his gender. I think I made his day and he sure made mine. One does not get a chance like that every day. It is your time now.
I'm sorry to disagree with Vickie, but I totally disagree with her on this. There is no doubt that you love your child and the fact that you're early on in this process and are already understanding these complex feelings of loss, grief, and compassion. No mother can be forced or encouraged to do anything for their child...it always must come from the heart. You acknowledge the truth of where you are in the process, and you must understand that YOU are just as important as your child in all of this. You have every right to your identity, and as long as your child knows you are working through this and committed to loving and accepting them, the time will come soon enough when you'll use the pronouns that your child desires to have used.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and don't get lost in the process. All to often we put the emphasis on the needs of the transitioner and place nothing but demands on those who are forced to transition with them. With patience, love, and understanding, both you and your child will grow closer together than ever before. You'll look back at the confusion of pronouns and wonder what the big deal was all about.
I'm sorry I disagree with Lori. The child's feelings should come first, having a child is like rolling the dice, you really never know what you are going to get, are you prepared to love a child no matter what? If not maybe you shouldn't have one. You wanted a girl, well you didn't get one, so I guess you have to decide who gets to be happy, you or the child.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget this blog is being written by the author and FOR the author. Saying "maybe you shouldn't have a child" is extremely insensitive. How can we expect parents to embrace the process of acceptance when we try to shove it down their throats? She's coming here for support, not to get blasted about being selfish about her own feelings which she openly admits are in a state of flux.
ReplyDelete