Hi All! I have the good fortune of living in Seattle, so I was able to go to the Seattle Gender Odyssey Conference that was held this weekend. If you went, I want you to comment and let me know how you liked it! I know that I've been lax about posting, and I usually gave you a reason, but I just wanted to stop by. I'm working on a paper for my Psych class right now, so I'm taking a break. I think it helps to go to another topic in order to re-group. The conference was great, and it really educated me in many ways. It's nice to go to a place where you have a common ground. There are some things that I realized about myself while I was there that were both surprising and informative, yet I'm glad that they are there, and I'm not getting into them today. It's not the reason for this exercise. The reason for this exercise is that I tend to really hate Facebook right now. So much stuff that I don't like. Politics, hate stuff. UGH. But I did find this on there. I commented on it that there are days where I question myself, so this was nice to wake up to. The nice thing about conferences and education on this stuff is I can say that what bad parenting techniques I DID have had nothing to do with how my son turned out. It's not something I DIDN'T know, it's just a good reinforcement. I do wonder something, though, as I was looking at a FB friend who I really don't talk to a lot. Do you ever see people in pictures or something and wonder if they're hiding something, or are sinister in some way (I ask that because I see that)? If he is, whatever that may be, and he doesn't act it out, does that make him a better person than my son, who is "sinning" by being a gay male? I ask that because he is very much against anything LGBTQ. Just wondering. I would love your thoughts. PLEASE! I KNOW YOU READ THIS! :D

Brave

Last night, my friend Anne and I went and saw the movie "Brave". I'm not one who goes to see cartoons/Pixar movies much anymore, but I love anything Scottish, and a free-thinking girl in the time of the Highlander is right up my alley. If you've seen Brave, you may know where I'm going with this. The rest is spoiler if you haven't. It's about a Princess who has to choose a husband, yet doesn't feel ready for marriage. Her mother, who is all about tradition, and her argue. She goes to a witch who puts a spell on her mom and mom turns into a bear! Needless to say, it's a really great "Freaky Friday"ish type movie..... And I sobbed. For the first time in a long time, I missed my DAUGHTER. Whether it was the idea of it or what, I don't know, but my sentimentality was in full force. There are so many things that I don't understand when it comes to mother/daughter relationships, because ours was never a "typical" one, but I now know why. It truly was a mother/son relationship forever. Yet, there are things. Little things that I still miss that are no longer there, but at the same time, so many new things that are. I know it's been a while. It may be a while before I come writing back, but I'm glad this is here for when I really need it, like right now I'm experiencing 2nd puberty. And THIS is how it's supposed to be! Seriously, I'm really glad that he's older, b/c if he was any younger, he'd be outta control! But, the funny thing is, I LIKE IT!

Hiatus

Hi!

Because I really need to find a new outlet besides blogging (which, I'm sorry I haven't been doing lately), I'm putting this on hold for awhile. I thank you all for your support throughout the year.

I will come by from time to time, but for now, I need to use a pen. I find that writing w/ my pen seems to be a better outlet. Maybe I will even post the paper. Who knows?

Time's coming

I'm sort of in a state of....not sure. Numbness in some respects. More than likely, T will start late March, early April. It's funny to tell my friend that the hold up is that HE needs a PAP smear and can't get it till March 13.

We have a great Naturopath who wants a baseline for everything, including a pap smear and all fasting labs. Things are starting to be so real now. It's weird and hard. Hard because Owen will become a male--thicker blood, higher LDLs, different fat distribution that can be a higher heart attack rate. It's all very scary for me.

Sometimes I feel that I'm coddling and not letting him do enough of the legwork. I really hope that he's ready for this.

Your Best

I am not a perfect servant. I am a public servant doing my best against the odds. As I develop and serve, be patient. God is not finished with me yet.
--Jesse Jackson

Sometimes I still get asked questions by very conservative believers why I am happy and okay with Owen's "choice". I say choice because Owen has chosen to live the path the he feels the most comfortable and open with, even though the physical odds are against him in that respect.

I had an epiphany this morning--My best work is done when I am at my best. That means feeling comfortable in my skin. If you've never seen me before, I am obese, so feeling comfortable in my own skin takes some effort. I feel best when I'm wearing nice jeans or slacks. And if I feel girly, I feel comfortable in a skirt with boots. Owen has a brain that is disconnected from his body when it comes to the physical attributes. He feels his best by wearing ANYTHING from the mens' department. By showing you our true inside on the outside (me-simplistic, down-to-earth female: Owen-heartfelt, semi-extrovert male) we are doing our best work for God and community. So next time you have people who disagree with you, religious or not, let them know that this is your best, and your best is what God wants.

WWJD??

Back in the '90s they had bracelets that said WWJD on them--"What Would Jesus Do?" Believe it or not, I don't even think I owned one--maybe you can believe it by some of my little actions and outbursts, but I wore Jesus on my sleeve a lot back then. I was more into talking the talk than I am now. It was more about getting yourself saved than by serving others, in my book. Although, I was raised and made to serve.

I'm glad I'm not the talker anymore. Back then, my child coming out to me being transgender would have been instantaneous, 1 way ticket to the Lake of Fire, or exorcism! Against my Methodist upbringing, I joined a very charismatic church and learned what I call "the other side of the church". Don't get me wrong, I needed it. I learned that works don't get me to heaven, grace does, and that living in the Word makes us stronger in our day to day lives. I probably could have learned that in my denominational church, or my wonderful Young Life groups, but I guess I like to get the hell scared out of me by people who are in my face about it. I did start reading my Bible more because I knew that I didn't want to go to hell! Now that I'm typing this, I can actually see a little bit of oxymoron, because I sometimes didn't feel "Christian enough" there.

Fast forward to circa 2002 or so. We had moved to Seattle in 1999, and Owen had a Sunday school teacher in 2002 who had a lot in common with him. Lynn** is a sports person. She is a woman who is married to a wonderful man, and they are both the epitome of what Jesus stands for. They love to serve and give, and they are admired through their faith by other people. They have left-wing political views (yay!), teach, and preach under the scope of St. Francis of Assisi--"Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Not much talk goes on there-but you know where their hearts are. I'm proud to say that Owen and I have gotten to be a part of their family from then on. Because of them, Owen's thoughts of suicide were tampered (to this day, if that was the only thing that they were in his life for, it would have been good enough for me), his faith, although shaky at times, has stayed intact, and my "talking the talk" has eased into quiet contemplation and the true act of WWJD.

Yesterday, the children's ministry at our church told us that they are praying and supportive of Owen's decision to follow his identity and not hide it. They have seen a change in him, and they know that it doesn't change his person. They did let us know that their primary concern is the children, and the children love Owen (they still know him as Marley, and that's how it will be for a while). If parents start to question, they are going to let them know that they are praying for him through this transition, and if they have any concerns, they are to go to the head pastor, who had the final decision. He is truly a man of God, so I'm so happy that he's made this decision.

Sometimes we need other people besides our family to show us what it means to love Jesus. I thank God for all the people that have come in my life. I have been taught many life lessons through them.

Why is it okay for you?

Many years ago, I had a friend named Jim**. He was a music pastor at our church. I had a crush on him for a while, but when I realized that we had a lot of differences, that crush turned into a great friendship. Jim is what I would call a fundamental Christian in many ways. However, he is faithful and truly a man of God.

Unfortunately, I now have very little ties to him. You see, I now understand that in some ways, I was one of a few friends who helped him through a time of loneliness. After trial and error, Jim found a beautiful lady to live his life with. She was everything he wanted in a woman. Pretty, petite, wants kids and is great with them, and also the wife who will bend over backwards for his spoiled ass. Yes, Jim is spoiled. I admire him in the way that he asks and seems to receive. Is that a God thing? Maybe.

You probably wonder what kind of point I'm getting at. Well, Jim has issues with homosexuality. His father, who was once a pastor, is gay. Jim loves his dad, but has trouble with his "lifestyle". Now, understand that he and I talked a lot about that sort of thing, and I didn't agree all the time, but one thing I did was just listen. I listened a lot. I listened to him about what he didn't like about this or that woman he dated, or how he wanted a guitar, but the church wouldn't buy it for him. Boo-EFFING-hoo.

So. When Owen came out last spring about being gender-confused, I sent Jim a message on Facebook regarding this. I said that I really needed my old friend Jim to talk and just hear what he had to say. I got nothing. I haven't heard from him, even after 3 messages. I really wanted to hear from him. But now, I'm mad and disappointed. Mind you, that last message I sent was in summer, but I really needed the advice and ear this time and got nothing!
Knowing him, he doesn't know how to respond, or he'd know he'd hurt my feelings. He would see gender variance right up there with homosexuality. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I took a lot of time listening to him talk about things that I now look at as rather unimportant, yet I got nothing back when I needed it.

I wanted to tell him that I would miss all the things that a mother expects for her daughter. I wanted to let him know that when the shoe is on the other foot, that we still love our kids with wild abandon, and just pray to God that He guides us through the transition rather than praying (as Jim would put it) the gay away. I would tell him that no matter what, we sometimes have to let go and let God lead us as parents to letting our child lead their own life. Yet I can't tell him this because he didn't take the time to respond to me and be the friend I NEEDED him to be.
So, I'm writing this because I have held this in for months. It probably doesn't make any sense, but for me, it's because I'm doing a very un-Christian thing in judging a former friend and saying that I don't like his fundamental ways because what he preaches hasn't been practiced to me.

I know for a fact that I'm a lecturer to my son about listening and not expecting anything in return. But when I plea for my friend to reach out to me, and he doesn't, my feelings are very hurt. That's why I don't consider him my friend anymore. He was a friend for a season, and that makes me sad.
What makes me even more sad, is that he would feel that Owen should just live his life as a female and let her work through it with God "in her suffering". Well, I believe that Owen has done a wonderful job in staying faithful and Christ-centered (even though we're both HORRIBLE potty mouths), and why shouldn't Owen be happy with who he is, and let God work with that? After all, I compare it to Jim turning down girls who weren't good enough for him, even though I saw them as women who would really love him. He found someone HE wanted. You see?
I obviously have internalized this for many months. My brain is stuck on self-loathing, I guess. But I'm through with this.
Thanks for the vent.

----So, a few hours after writing this, I'm still awake, but I was watching a wonderful video that I love and makes me ready to sleep (at 3 am, at work at 8 am)! I hope you enjoy. This is how I feel, and this is what Jesus is all about. (If this doesn't show up, because of my illiteracy, check out "Children of God" by Third Day on YouTube.




**Not his real name.

Marley, er Owen

Marley decided that his name was too confusing and androgynous, so a few weeks ago, he decided his name is now Owen. Of course, I think I was the last to know for a while.
I have a feeling, but I hope that I'm wrong, that there may be a problem w/ him working at church. He works with little kids, and now that the head of the Sunday school knows and suspected, she said that she needs to talk to the head pastor, who is brand new, to see how to move forward. I told her that I'd be very happy to come and educate them on this topic, so I hope that they take me up on it. Feeling a bit emotional about it right now. I go to a Methodist church. Methodists are known to reach out to people. I honestly would know that if Owen (why am I having a tough time saying that name?) was told he couldn't teach, his faith would be shaken. He's always felt very accepted here. This is the church he's known since we moved to Seattle in 1999. I've told him many times to keep God in the center of everything he does. I know for a fact that he is surrounded by people who love him, no matter whether they understand or agree with his identity or not. I hope that he focuses on the love of everyone, and not at a possible decision that, in the scheme of things, is minute. I just still hope that it doesn't matter.
Home sick today. Better, but knew I'd get really tired if I went to work. Now my anxiety with this possible decision makes it worse.
Prayers, please.