Many years ago, I had a friend named Jim**. He was a music pastor at our church. I had a crush on him for a while, but when I realized that we had a lot of differences, that crush turned into a great friendship. Jim is what I would call a fundamental Christian in many ways. However, he is faithful and truly a man of God.
Unfortunately, I now have very little ties to him. You see, I now understand that in some ways, I was one of a few friends who helped him through a time of loneliness. After trial and error, Jim found a beautiful lady to live his life with. She was everything he wanted in a woman. Pretty, petite, wants kids and is great with them, and also the wife who will bend over backwards for his spoiled ass. Yes, Jim is spoiled. I admire him in the way that he asks and seems to receive. Is that a God thing? Maybe.
You probably wonder what kind of point I'm getting at. Well, Jim has issues with homosexuality. His father, who was once a pastor, is gay. Jim loves his dad, but has trouble with his "lifestyle". Now, understand that he and I talked a lot about that sort of thing, and I didn't agree all the time, but one thing I did was just listen. I listened a lot. I listened to him about what he didn't like about this or that woman he dated, or how he wanted a guitar, but the church wouldn't buy it for him. Boo-EFFING-hoo.
So. When Owen came out last spring about being gender-confused, I sent Jim a message on Facebook regarding this. I said that I really needed my old friend Jim to talk and just hear what he had to say. I got nothing. I haven't heard from him, even after 3 messages. I really wanted to hear from him. But now, I'm mad and disappointed. Mind you, that last message I sent was in summer, but I really needed the advice and ear this time and got nothing!
Knowing him, he doesn't know how to respond, or he'd know he'd hurt my feelings. He would see gender variance right up there with homosexuality. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I took a lot of time listening to him talk about things that I now look at as rather unimportant, yet I got nothing back when I needed it.
I wanted to tell him that I would miss all the things that a mother expects for her daughter. I wanted to let him know that when the shoe is on the other foot, that we still love our kids with wild abandon, and just pray to God that He guides us through the transition rather than praying (as Jim would put it) the gay away. I would tell him that no matter what, we sometimes have to let go and let God lead us as parents to letting our child lead their own life. Yet I can't tell him this because he didn't take the time to respond to me and be the friend I NEEDED him to be.
So, I'm writing this because I have held this in for months. It probably doesn't make any sense, but for me, it's because I'm doing a very un-Christian thing in judging a former friend and saying that I don't like his fundamental ways because what he preaches hasn't been practiced to me.
I know for a fact that I'm a lecturer to my son about listening and not expecting anything in return. But when I plea for my friend to reach out to me, and he doesn't, my feelings are very hurt. That's why I don't consider him my friend anymore. He was a friend for a season, and that makes me sad.
What makes me even more sad, is that he would feel that Owen should just live his life as a female and let her work through it with God "in her suffering". Well, I believe that Owen has done a wonderful job in staying faithful and Christ-centered (even though we're both HORRIBLE potty mouths), and why shouldn't Owen be happy with who he is, and let God work with that? After all, I compare it to Jim turning down girls who weren't good enough for him, even though I saw them as women who would really love him. He found someone HE wanted. You see?
I obviously have internalized this for many months. My brain is stuck on self-loathing, I guess. But I'm through with this.
Thanks for the vent.
----So, a few hours after writing this, I'm still awake, but I was watching a wonderful video that I love and makes me ready to sleep (at 3 am, at work at 8 am)! I hope you enjoy. This is how I feel, and this is what Jesus is all about. (If this doesn't show up, because of my illiteracy, check out "Children of God" by Third Day on YouTube.
**Not his real name.
Just checked out "Children of God" and I had a huge grin on my face as I watched the video. I'm going to have to go and find more music by Third Day now.
ReplyDeleteI think that what you and Owen are going through will also show you what the people you know are really like in how they react to you.
@Jenna-Third Day's awesome! They've been around since about '95. The lead singer was raised on Lynard Skynard, so they've got some great music! They've evolved over the years, too.
ReplyDelete