Steven Curtis Chapman

Hellooooo! I know it's been a while. I guess I've had a form of writer's block. Right now my head is fuzzy and I've been kind of just above survival mode. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with all the issues going on.

Tonight M and I went and saw Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. For anyone who doesn't know him, check his music out. He is heartfelt and amazing! We got to meet him tonight. It was really important for M to meet him, as one of his daughters died in a really tragic accident while M was going through his depression, and M told me tonight that seeing their family get through it kept M from not giving up on God when all of that happened. Great stuff!

That's all. Everything going okay on the trans front. I've met some great people through this. I am blessed.

Feeling Melodramatic tonight.

I think that when I'm thrust in a situation where I'm to accept something that I never thought I would have to deal with, I feel that, when the moment arises, I should be able to pop a joke. I saw on Craigslist an ad for a job that said "Bikini Girls Wanted". I'm sure I will get an ear..er...eyeful of comments from this. I joked to M that they were hiring the above subject, and it turned into an all-out yelling match about how I'm not respecting him and that I can't take jokes either. WHAT! EVER! I'm so pissed right now, that I don't even know what else to say. I'm not asking for advice, but I AM saying that I guess that as a heavy girl, I wouldn't have joked to M about the bikini thing, but I guess I thought as a boy, it would be okay, because I sometimes I need to get through this with some humor in order to not be worried about whether or not he will make friends, get his ass kicked, or just be able to be a normal boy. And before you come to his rescue, understand that we have always been able to joke, and I really thought he would take it funnily enough.

I'm pissed because I've been stewing. This has just be the formidable straw. Don't ask what I've been stewing about. I don't even think I know.

Brooding Edward has nothing on me right now......

Feeling spiritually away from God right now.....ugh!

Sometimes I wonder where the fire I had for God went. When did it start to smolder and seem to cool so much? I'm hoping it's just a season in my life that I feel this way. I know that a lot of you followers are here for my thoughts on M's transition, but I have to say that, in the midst of the depression, transition, and some of my hang-ups that I don't mention here, I have lost the fire I had. I try to get it back. I desperately want to connect with people who I haven't talked to in years due to life or distance, just to feel the ignition for the fire I once had in feeling God close to me, even in the tough times.
I think sometimes having a child that is not the accepted norm of society, especially "Christian" society (I say that loosely, referring to religious right that so dominates how the world sees Christendom), I am torn between 2 worlds. The love and acceptance that Jesus is, and the condemnation of judgment. I have a friend who has a step-daughter that he's raised from the time she was 3, and he always questions how God will see him since she has become a drug user and he feels he somehow didn't do right by her. It blows me away for him to think that, as he is such a force of what God wants. Taking someone's child to raise and love as his own. Then there's me, who, by standards of some, have just let my daughter turn into a son. I know that's a bad statement, and I know that those people don't see in my heart of the agony that I went through in accepting it. But I have, and if that somehow makes me a bad parent, well, I have other issues that could have made me a bad parent.
I long to be a child of God who counts and leans on Him so much that I accept and live in His light, and be a model for M, even though M is grown in many ways. I pray that I do that. I feel much better now.
I was looking at my playlist. It's called "Why I write". It's very fitting. A lot of the songs on here are laments to God. Although secular, there is pain in the lyrics. There's a song from Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" that makes me realize that our laments are important to God.


Have a great day! Shout out to Abby! Know that you all who follow are an inspiration. You have paved a path so that M's isn't as hard. That's more than a mother can hope for. Please let me know your thoughts. I know that I can be rough about some of the less than stellar responses to my blog, but I love your feedback, and I do understand why you want me to fully accept everything in this transition. I'm working on it and really appreciate all of you.

Taking a breather.....or took one......Not sure

I realized, and I put this on my Facebook page, that I don't have any right to be offended when I choose to publicly blog my thoughts. I follow a blog by a guy who's Christian and is all for rights for all, and he gets a lot of shit! Long story short, he posted something I wrote, and of the VERY MANY responses, 3 were not cool! I was offended. My friend was mad because he posted w/o my permission, but it was anonymous, so I don't care, but at the same time, why, when I blog to what could be the masses, I get offended by what is said? I choose to have people let me know what they think. Not saying that the people in question on the other guy's blog were nice. They weren't. I was basically said to be rolling over and taking it, and not having a father in M's life, which isn't true anyway. Whatevs. That's why I had to take a breather from saying anything. It's almost like I want to take a breather from the trans life. It's really hard with school starting and M wanting to be stealth, which is hard when in PE there will be an issue w/ wearing a binder because it restricts breathing. @@ oy. I'm questioning why I'M so worried about this! I need to quit the coddling. Too tired. I'm too sexy for grey hair! ;) I'm going to post some pics just for eye candy. For me. I have a Guinness in the fridge. Might pop it tonight.





Here's what I look at when I have a long day. Something about those Englishmen.

Cher and I have something in common.....

I don't know if it comes as a surprise or not, but I just saw Chaz Bono on Oprah reruns for the first time last night. It was like watching me, when I was watching Cher.
We moms, especially single, I think, question a lot of why our kids are the way they are. It was such a relief, though to see that Chaz was very similar to M when it came to the feelings of growing up. And I feel so relieved to start accepting this as a transition in life and not labeling.
I think it was Cher or Oprah or someone on the show who said something about it being awful to grow up and transitioning, and M said, no, it's just how it is. It's not a tragedy to M. It's a tragedy to us, but as I've said before, it's mourning what I now consider my idea of how M should be to seeing a much bigger potential of what M will be.
I liked what Chaz said about other people are more concerned about him getting bottom surgery than he is. Chaz feels comfortable as showing his outer appearance to be male. I saw a lot of similarities between these 2 people, M and Chaz. I lived through Cher, and I liked what she said when she said that she is very feminine and would have a very hard time if she woke up one morning and couldn't be feminine anymore. Me. If I had to wear dresses as a kid, you'd still see me popping wheelies on my banana seat bike with it on, and my mom yelling at me to put my legs together. HAHAHA!! But seriously, my issue isn't being feminine, it's the ideal of what I expect my life and legacy to be like. That is a form of pride that I really don't need in my life anymore. As a Christian, I should just work on the legacy of Jesus to my family, but that damn pride keeps getting in my way! Just something to work on every day. One huge thing that I got out of the show...Chaz's aunt happened to say that it was hard but then she realized she was seeing the same soul the person. If I got nothing out of that segment, THAT is what I would want to remember the most.

I can pull that leotard off, right??

A little bi-polar, a lot off-topic....or vice versa

Yesterday M and I were talking about how he doesn't want to be labeled trans. I can see that. Why would you want your life to revolve around your gender. Do we really do it that way when we're not paying attention to it in the first place? That's a good question, because I think I've always questioned M's gender in the back of my mind for so long, that it did rule my world a bit. I also am not a very feminine female (AT ALL) so I'm sure that I've always considered myself different than the norm of my gender, but still always considered myself female. Did I just say that?
Anyway, I'm a hopeless romantic that hails from a family of realists. I love Jane Austen, probably because I'm destined for spinsterhood and like to end my stories at the altar. I don't know, but I realized today, after reading one of my silly little stories that I read online (Fanfiction, Don't hate. There are some damn good writers out there that I encourage to publish), I realize that I'm not silly when I consider the circumstances (whether good or bad) that I find myself in, a journey. They need to be. I've always been trying so hard to obtain the goal that the journey has eluded me so long. The end goal? What is the end goal exactly? My kid doesn't want to be labeled as trans, just a boy, but what about the goals in LIFE? M wants to do films. I think I've worried a lot about changing gender would look, but why? Sorta stupid to think that I worry about those things, that somehow it would hinder M's goals in life. I'm realizing that M realizing who he is will solidify those goals, making the journey sweeter.
I haven't written in a while because I have been just being lazy. I haven't had to face this in a few days and don't feel like a drama queen, but I've also had to come to grips that typing he/him/his, is so much more refreshing for M than typing she/her/hers. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now. Can I do it all the time? Maybe in writing. Yesterday, I was looking at M while we were sitting on the couch (M thinks it's creepy, but it's a parent thing) and I thought how pretty M is. But I couldn't say it out loud. Can't seem to say handsome yet. But M isn't pretty per se. M's always been just a good looking kid. Neither in a masculine nor feminine way.

So, the title. Because I'm typing from what I'm thinking, so I don't know how much sense it's making. :D

Talk and See

I've noticed that I get into myself when it comes to a lot of things in my life lately. I forget to call out to God for my help. He has still helped me through the help of you and just words that come into my head. I, however, don't like the fact that I haven't sought Him out like I normally would. Today, after letting M know that I had some issues of anger over all of this, which I can't quite figure out, but is there, I started questioning. I prayed to God on my way home to give me the help I need. To help M keep looking up to Him also. As I was hauling groceries in, Matthew 12:22 came to mind: "Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see." I had thought that this passage meant that any ailment we had would go away when calling on Jesus, but when this came to me, I realized it's not necessarily the ailment (and I say ailment loosely, so PLEASE DON'T TYPE A "LOVE" NOTE TO ME!!) that goes away, but the shame I may feel of how society would view this.
You hear the evangelical shows with the miracles, and that's great and all, but there are so many others who don't receive the miracle of physical healing so dramatically, and please understand, I've seen these things with my own eyes and believe them, but I asked for this to go away at one point. Just as I asked for my bi-polar disorder to go away, my mom to be able to walk, my fat to melt off my body, etc. It didn't. What did happen was that I learned that it doesn't matter what people think. They have their own ideas. I also learned that people love M just the way he is. I see that by the response that people who have been informed about M's transition letting M know that he's still loved (and most are not surprised). I heard a great song today. I love it. It called to me today. K. That's all.