“Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.”
― Orson Scott Card, Empire
I don't like Orson Scott Card. I think I'm the only one in my immediate family who has had no interest in him at all. So it probably wouldn't be a surprise to you to discover that I found this quote in my "Breaking Dawn" book. Now, before you roll your eyes and question my intelligence, let me just say that until I read the Twilight Saga, I hadn't read recreational reading in 3 years (I was finding cheap ways to learn things). It woke up my love of reading again. Okay, enough of my head.
I bring this up because I was e-mailing my aunt, catching up on what was going on with Marley. She asked about who in my family knew. As far as I know the only person in the world who doesn't know is my sister. When I feel like I'm doing something "bad" or have screwed up in some way, she's the voice in my head. My own personal demon who probably doesn't even know it. She is, however, someone who could use some help with being nice and watching her words, because it has caused a rift between us in some ways.
I see my sister as very judgmental, and I decided to cut ties that were already severed. Don't get me wrong. I love my sister, and I mourn our relationship, but I need to protect myself and my family. This is fast becoming a therapy session, but have you ever been in a good mood, make a phone call to someone, and when you hang up, you're exhausted? That was the last phone conversation I ever had with her. That's been almost 4 years ago. We still chat when we see each other, but those conversations are very few and far between.
I think the hardest thing I struggle with just happened not too long ago. I had a new Facebook friend who is gay. I grew up with this guy, and I thought the world of him. He and my sister were really close, and he asked how she was because she supported him when he was being teased or ostracized from others--small town, 1980s--need I say more?
My heart broke that day, because I know for a fact that the response he got from her is not the response Marley (or I) will get. I will be reminded of my downfalls and how screwed up M is. I keep thinking that maybe she won't be that way. Maybe things will be different. Um...no. I can't chance that anymore. I've taken lots of chances in my life thinking I haven't. Some of them have had great consequences. Some not. This one is pretty much a given. I need to stop caring about my sister's reaction or her problems and focus on living and enjoying my life with my son-who is a very happy and excited human being. :D Now to call my therapist to get that started....
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Pictures
***I POSTED THIS ON MY OTHER BLOG, SO THIS IS A NOTE TO NOT CONFUSE YOU AS TO WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I WOULD LOVE YOUR INPUT.
As most of you know, I have another blog about what I've been thinking and feeling regarding being a parent of a transgender person. I saw a quote on Facebook today that said, "When something bad happens you can let it define you, let it strengthen you, or let it destroy you."
I don't really consider what has transpired "bad" anymore. Many reasons are because I all of a sudden saw an emerging happy and more motivated person coming out as a male, even though we've always seen her as female---mind you, I never went girl shopping for Marley. I did girl shopping with my nieces. I didn't even know there was a store called "Pink" until my niece told me she wanted to go there....6 months ago. I thought that was a style that other people got somewhere. Seriously...no clue.
Why am I bringing this up? Cuz it's something to say, and because I don't really talk about it on here, it's just a way to show what's going on in my world.
Lately, I've been struggling with the fact that M doesn't want pics up in the living room that shows long hair. Even though it doesn't look male or female, he doesn't like it. But I LOVE THOSE PICS! They are from great times. It's hard to argue that stuff. I have what I want in my bedroom, but I still like to show off the great pic from Disneyland. Why? Because it was the first time I saw Marley start getting happy after a long bout of depression. It's a monumental moment, and I got it on camera!
M likes it too, but the idea of long hair for him is somehow quite hard. I try to reason the fact that he loves 90s music and look at all the rockers who had long hair. Whatevs. Right now, it's nice to see that's the only big battle around this. There will be others, but I hope they come quietly and sweetly. Gotta get back to work. :D
As most of you know, I have another blog about what I've been thinking and feeling regarding being a parent of a transgender person. I saw a quote on Facebook today that said, "When something bad happens you can let it define you, let it strengthen you, or let it destroy you."
I don't really consider what has transpired "bad" anymore. Many reasons are because I all of a sudden saw an emerging happy and more motivated person coming out as a male, even though we've always seen her as female---mind you, I never went girl shopping for Marley. I did girl shopping with my nieces. I didn't even know there was a store called "Pink" until my niece told me she wanted to go there....6 months ago. I thought that was a style that other people got somewhere. Seriously...no clue.
Why am I bringing this up? Cuz it's something to say, and because I don't really talk about it on here, it's just a way to show what's going on in my world.
Lately, I've been struggling with the fact that M doesn't want pics up in the living room that shows long hair. Even though it doesn't look male or female, he doesn't like it. But I LOVE THOSE PICS! They are from great times. It's hard to argue that stuff. I have what I want in my bedroom, but I still like to show off the great pic from Disneyland. Why? Because it was the first time I saw Marley start getting happy after a long bout of depression. It's a monumental moment, and I got it on camera!
M likes it too, but the idea of long hair for him is somehow quite hard. I try to reason the fact that he loves 90s music and look at all the rockers who had long hair. Whatevs. Right now, it's nice to see that's the only big battle around this. There will be others, but I hope they come quietly and sweetly. Gotta get back to work. :D
Thursday, November 24, 2011
10 Things I Love About You
Sometimes, I have to step back and remember why I'm better at being okay with this. I know I've said it in the blog before, and I know that I've shared with others, but because I love the movie "10 Things I Hate about You", I decided to twist it around to give 10 things I love about M and how we've grown through all this.
1) I love the way you cut your hair, it finally shows your eyes.
2) I love the way you take a chance, something that you used to not do.
3) I love your laugh, which was absent once, yet now you've made it up.
4) It shows the dimples that God gave you, when he pinched your cheeks before you were born.
5) I love the way to love the cats. They've given you a new light in your eyes.
6) I love the drive you have to want to go to film school with no regrets.
7) I love your taste in music. It's eclectic and you don't fall into the pop culture.
8) I love your nerdy ways, and your love for all things British.
9) I love your love for children, and watching them love you back.
10)I love your heart. It's big. Keep it open to God, love, and life.
You will have challenges in life, but always know that you are loved through all the mess.
1) I love the way you cut your hair, it finally shows your eyes.
2) I love the way you take a chance, something that you used to not do.
3) I love your laugh, which was absent once, yet now you've made it up.
4) It shows the dimples that God gave you, when he pinched your cheeks before you were born.
5) I love the way to love the cats. They've given you a new light in your eyes.
6) I love the drive you have to want to go to film school with no regrets.
7) I love your taste in music. It's eclectic and you don't fall into the pop culture.
8) I love your nerdy ways, and your love for all things British.
9) I love your love for children, and watching them love you back.
10)I love your heart. It's big. Keep it open to God, love, and life.
You will have challenges in life, but always know that you are loved through all the mess.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Just to post...
Marley and I were discussing depression today. Because last month was National Suicide Awareness, and I didn't do any blogging about it, I wanted to share. We really delved into the subject...from M feeling like God wasn't there and hating God, to having to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. We talked about reasons why it happened, if any, and if it would happen again. Anyway, we found a blog about it. This really was how we both have felt before. Sad with some humor. But oh, so human!
Have a great day, and as the call box on the Golden Gate Bridge says....Life is beautiful!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
Have a great day, and as the call box on the Golden Gate Bridge says....Life is beautiful!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Six Degrees of Separation...or less, but you get my point.
M and I love Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. I think I told you that last week. Anyway, this love of SCC brought about some events that I can only say came by the grace of God.
Okay, here goes in a nutshell-My very own "Six Degrees of Separation", if you will....
If it wasn't for a co-worker giving a difficult venipuncture to a donor, then I wouldn't have taken care of the donor, who I started having a great convo with, when I found out she went to the church where SCC was going, and I made a comment about our love for him and some of our "stuff" we had been dealing with in the past few years.
Because of the generosity of the donor, she got her bible study together to present us with 2 tix to SCC-I mean, I didn't know this woman!!, and that was a miracle all it's own, because it was so humbling and beautiful-both the concert and the generosity of wonderful people who don't sit in judgment.
If it wasn't for a friend who is going through a custody battle, she wouldn't have asked me to take her to church, which, because of I had just gone to the SCC concert there and the proximity of the church being between both our houses, I decided that was where we would go on Sunday night.
AAAANNNDDD--If it wasn't for the great feeling of non-judgment I got at said church on Sunday, and the comment card that I ALMOST didn't fill out asking about people in the church who had LGBT children, I wouldn't have met my angel. Her name is Shirley. She's probably between 70 and 80 years old. Her son came out in 1989. They are all evangelical Christians.
The first thing she asked me when I sat down w/ her at Tully's today was "what is it do you love about Marley?"
There is so much to say about this woman. So much so that I'm speechless. All I can say it that God has given me this angel who understands when I say that I'm tired of people of the same faith that I have looking at me with pity when I tell them about M, even though I'm telling them for the sake of information about how my life has changed and not because I need them to pray about it or give me sympathy or an occasional "God will change that if "she" prays about it more". She is a huge light. I walked in that door and when I saw her, I felt happy and blessed. She really was like a breeze in the desert.
Shirley is the poster child for Christian parents of LGBT children. Her son teaches law enforcement agencies all over about ethics in the workplace when it comes to LGBT issues. She doesn't admit it, but I have to say that he's where he is because his parents accepted him as their child and not by his decisions or way of life. In my opinion, he is strong in his Christian faith because his parents didn't tell him he was being sinful and that he needed to pray harder, or worry about what people thought.
About 9 years ago, I stood on Westport Beach in awe of how big God was compared to little me. Today, I'll never look at a Tully's the same way because of the same thing. Sound romantic? It was! God has sought me out by giving me His angels. He shows me, through people like Shirley and Sheryl (generous lady) that He means to do his work through love and acceptance, and I need to get on board. :D
Okay, here goes in a nutshell-My very own "Six Degrees of Separation", if you will....
If it wasn't for a co-worker giving a difficult venipuncture to a donor, then I wouldn't have taken care of the donor, who I started having a great convo with, when I found out she went to the church where SCC was going, and I made a comment about our love for him and some of our "stuff" we had been dealing with in the past few years.
Because of the generosity of the donor, she got her bible study together to present us with 2 tix to SCC-I mean, I didn't know this woman!!, and that was a miracle all it's own, because it was so humbling and beautiful-both the concert and the generosity of wonderful people who don't sit in judgment.
If it wasn't for a friend who is going through a custody battle, she wouldn't have asked me to take her to church, which, because of I had just gone to the SCC concert there and the proximity of the church being between both our houses, I decided that was where we would go on Sunday night.
AAAANNNDDD--If it wasn't for the great feeling of non-judgment I got at said church on Sunday, and the comment card that I ALMOST didn't fill out asking about people in the church who had LGBT children, I wouldn't have met my angel. Her name is Shirley. She's probably between 70 and 80 years old. Her son came out in 1989. They are all evangelical Christians.
The first thing she asked me when I sat down w/ her at Tully's today was "what is it do you love about Marley?"
There is so much to say about this woman. So much so that I'm speechless. All I can say it that God has given me this angel who understands when I say that I'm tired of people of the same faith that I have looking at me with pity when I tell them about M, even though I'm telling them for the sake of information about how my life has changed and not because I need them to pray about it or give me sympathy or an occasional "God will change that if "she" prays about it more". She is a huge light. I walked in that door and when I saw her, I felt happy and blessed. She really was like a breeze in the desert.
Shirley is the poster child for Christian parents of LGBT children. Her son teaches law enforcement agencies all over about ethics in the workplace when it comes to LGBT issues. She doesn't admit it, but I have to say that he's where he is because his parents accepted him as their child and not by his decisions or way of life. In my opinion, he is strong in his Christian faith because his parents didn't tell him he was being sinful and that he needed to pray harder, or worry about what people thought.
About 9 years ago, I stood on Westport Beach in awe of how big God was compared to little me. Today, I'll never look at a Tully's the same way because of the same thing. Sound romantic? It was! God has sought me out by giving me His angels. He shows me, through people like Shirley and Sheryl (generous lady) that He means to do his work through love and acceptance, and I need to get on board. :D
Narcissism (is that even spelled right?)
Hi!
I sat one day wondering why I haven't been writing. I've really had a writer's block about this, but I found that I took a lot of time checking my blog for stats and comments. I started realizing that it was a little selfish and narcissistic of me. Well, I still will probably do that, but I do enjoy the comments and opinions I do get. I think I also was having a tough time with negative comments. However, I sat up one day thinking "HEY! What do you expect? Get over it!" So I am.
Tonight I'm meeting a lady who is a devout Christian woman whose son is gay. He came out in the early 90s and she says "before the parents would ever consider "coming out" to anyone in church". She has a friend who has a trans son who, with the help of friends, has finally reconciled the relationship they lost 10 years ago. I'm interested to hear these stories. One, because I know that the ways I think are different than the way the mainstream church, and also because I would love to know how reconciliation happened.
Now that I'm more open to people about what's going on, I've found that some people look at me with pity or tell me how sorry they are. It feels really weird because I don't feel remorse for it because I see a happier person, and since I'm somewhat co-dependent, it makes a happier household. However, these things still give me doubts about whether or not I'm trusting God enough, or if M has enough trust in Him. It's tiring sometimes. I wish that I could just be happy about how I worship God and what I believe His principles meant, and not everyone else's thoughts on it all.
Wow. That was heavy on my heart today.
I sat one day wondering why I haven't been writing. I've really had a writer's block about this, but I found that I took a lot of time checking my blog for stats and comments. I started realizing that it was a little selfish and narcissistic of me. Well, I still will probably do that, but I do enjoy the comments and opinions I do get. I think I also was having a tough time with negative comments. However, I sat up one day thinking "HEY! What do you expect? Get over it!" So I am.
Tonight I'm meeting a lady who is a devout Christian woman whose son is gay. He came out in the early 90s and she says "before the parents would ever consider "coming out" to anyone in church". She has a friend who has a trans son who, with the help of friends, has finally reconciled the relationship they lost 10 years ago. I'm interested to hear these stories. One, because I know that the ways I think are different than the way the mainstream church, and also because I would love to know how reconciliation happened.
Now that I'm more open to people about what's going on, I've found that some people look at me with pity or tell me how sorry they are. It feels really weird because I don't feel remorse for it because I see a happier person, and since I'm somewhat co-dependent, it makes a happier household. However, these things still give me doubts about whether or not I'm trusting God enough, or if M has enough trust in Him. It's tiring sometimes. I wish that I could just be happy about how I worship God and what I believe His principles meant, and not everyone else's thoughts on it all.
Wow. That was heavy on my heart today.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Steven Curtis Chapman
Hellooooo! I know it's been a while. I guess I've had a form of writer's block. Right now my head is fuzzy and I've been kind of just above survival mode. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with all the issues going on.
Tonight M and I went and saw Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. For anyone who doesn't know him, check his music out. He is heartfelt and amazing! We got to meet him tonight. It was really important for M to meet him, as one of his daughters died in a really tragic accident while M was going through his depression, and M told me tonight that seeing their family get through it kept M from not giving up on God when all of that happened. Great stuff!
That's all. Everything going okay on the trans front. I've met some great people through this. I am blessed.
Tonight M and I went and saw Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. For anyone who doesn't know him, check his music out. He is heartfelt and amazing! We got to meet him tonight. It was really important for M to meet him, as one of his daughters died in a really tragic accident while M was going through his depression, and M told me tonight that seeing their family get through it kept M from not giving up on God when all of that happened. Great stuff!
That's all. Everything going okay on the trans front. I've met some great people through this. I am blessed.
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