Happy New Year!
I'm so sorry I don't update regularly! I have been off school for a couple weeks, so I have no good excuse, but I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season!
Yesterday, I no longer could keep silent about Leelah, or for that matter, the many people who take their lives. I have many friends on Facebook that do not agree with me, so I chose, as a parent, and advocate, to share my story with them, in a very small version. I felt it needed to be said, and I also felt the parents needed to not be judged. They are parents who are in a situation that is so much bigger than themselves, and they will have their own judgment of themselves to deal with, and trust me, that is far more harsh than what others can dole out to them, so think about that when you have these conversations with people.
My FB post:
I have been silent about this tragedy, and the more I thought about it today, as I was charting my paperwork, the more I decided I couldn't be silent about this. This is someone's child. Although the parents of this child did not understand nor take the more appropriate steps that I now know are the appropriate ones, I cannot judge them for what they did or did not do, because I did the same thing. I was fortunate that my child did not leave this earth over my ignorance, and I am fortunate that I did reach out to others (namely, a transwoman I befriended) who helped me understand what I could not seem to hear. However, I will never make that mistake again. I will forever be indebted to our circle of friends and family (church and blood) who stood by Owen by accepting and even advocating when we did not know how to advocate in this realm. That being said, when you do not accept someone for ANYTHING that is not considered a "norm" you are chinking away at self-worth. When a person is not accepted as their true self, it is very hard to live in a place where there is not acceptance. This can come from gender identity, sexual identity, race, size, SO MANY THINGS. These problems are not new, they are just out, and they are your friends, your kids' friends, and probably a few family members. I was not surprised by Owen's news, but I was also not educated (and really, I do feel it was more out of denial than anything). Please, if you know someone who is hurting, help them find acceptance, even if you don't understand or accept yourself. Thank you for listening. I also think a great site for people who have faith issues around this can look at resources at the Marin Foundation out of Illinois. They have been great at researching and have put together many great resources for families of faith to get support from other families.
Much love to you all!
Gretchen
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Love is the Best, but that Hope.....
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians, 13:4-7
Today, I am sitting at my friend's house while she sleeps. She was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma last month, but has yet to start treatment, which will hopefully start Wednesday. MM is usually known to hit men who are African American and 65 years of age. My friend is 43 and Caucasian. She is also Owen's Godmother. I know firsthand about cancer, but this is a whole new ballgame. Nothing can be removed because it runs through the blood.
When this journey began last month, my household responded with grief and anger. Owen, being shot with testosterone once a week, was the angry one. Mine is grief, but having the knowledge that my friend is a fighter, there is plenty of hope. She is surrounded by supporters to the nth degree, and it is pretty amazing to watch.
What I have seen, though, in Owen, is a protection toward his Godsisters. There is nothing he cares about more. It's almost a God complex, yet at the same time, he's taking the steps to get the help he needs for his issues, and they are deep. There are a lot of Whys, but again, there is that hope.
I think we see hope in so many things, when it comes to people. Owen will continue watching his Godmother have the attitude that she sustains in being a wife and mother who wants to live for her family. He also knows there is a possibility she will lose the fight. But just like his battles, he will see that people get stronger through it. I know that he is 21, and he's not really as big of a responsibility as before for me, but I am still his mom, and I hurt when I see him struggle with this issue, especially when it involves a little girl who he fears may be motherless sooner than later. But hope, which is something he was supported with throughout his continuing journey, should never be absent. His faith, though shaky, I know is there through his work in staying as positive as possible, and being the loving big brother he is to his "sisters".
Continuing with my music love, this is a song I think of a lot in all my struggles.
Song for this entry: OCEANS
Today, I am sitting at my friend's house while she sleeps. She was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma last month, but has yet to start treatment, which will hopefully start Wednesday. MM is usually known to hit men who are African American and 65 years of age. My friend is 43 and Caucasian. She is also Owen's Godmother. I know firsthand about cancer, but this is a whole new ballgame. Nothing can be removed because it runs through the blood.
When this journey began last month, my household responded with grief and anger. Owen, being shot with testosterone once a week, was the angry one. Mine is grief, but having the knowledge that my friend is a fighter, there is plenty of hope. She is surrounded by supporters to the nth degree, and it is pretty amazing to watch.
What I have seen, though, in Owen, is a protection toward his Godsisters. There is nothing he cares about more. It's almost a God complex, yet at the same time, he's taking the steps to get the help he needs for his issues, and they are deep. There are a lot of Whys, but again, there is that hope.
I think we see hope in so many things, when it comes to people. Owen will continue watching his Godmother have the attitude that she sustains in being a wife and mother who wants to live for her family. He also knows there is a possibility she will lose the fight. But just like his battles, he will see that people get stronger through it. I know that he is 21, and he's not really as big of a responsibility as before for me, but I am still his mom, and I hurt when I see him struggle with this issue, especially when it involves a little girl who he fears may be motherless sooner than later. But hope, which is something he was supported with throughout his continuing journey, should never be absent. His faith, though shaky, I know is there through his work in staying as positive as possible, and being the loving big brother he is to his "sisters".
Continuing with my music love, this is a song I think of a lot in all my struggles.
Song for this entry: OCEANS
Saturday, June 7, 2014
The "Come to Jesus" letter
Hi All! I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I posted! I am coming up for air for a moment, since I needed to take a week off of school, but I hope you are all doing well!
Owen is doing great. He's trying really hard to raise money for top surgery, but when it is hard for him to ask for help, it can be tedious. We are now concentrating on hysterectomy/oopherectomy, which is something that can be paid for by insurance. He did set up a top surgery date, but unless he gets a huge outpouring of help between then and now, it won't happen. If you would like to help, that would be lovely! I, too suck at asking for help. You can go Here if you would like to donate.
He received a "Come to Jesus" letter in the mail from his paternal grandpa. He didn't read it, but I did. It talked about how he knows people that are like this who still live as women and are fine with that. Well, I do plan on writing a letter to him. There is a name for that. It is called gender non-conformity. I am a good example of that. I really want him to see that Owen isn't sinning, and that he has had his own talk with God on this matter, but I don't know. Any thoughts? I could use them.
Owen is doing great. He's trying really hard to raise money for top surgery, but when it is hard for him to ask for help, it can be tedious. We are now concentrating on hysterectomy/oopherectomy, which is something that can be paid for by insurance. He did set up a top surgery date, but unless he gets a huge outpouring of help between then and now, it won't happen. If you would like to help, that would be lovely! I, too suck at asking for help. You can go Here if you would like to donate.
He received a "Come to Jesus" letter in the mail from his paternal grandpa. He didn't read it, but I did. It talked about how he knows people that are like this who still live as women and are fine with that. Well, I do plan on writing a letter to him. There is a name for that. It is called gender non-conformity. I am a good example of that. I really want him to see that Owen isn't sinning, and that he has had his own talk with God on this matter, but I don't know. Any thoughts? I could use them.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Meeting New People
I would love your feedback. I have moved since October, since I got a new job that was a 30 mile commute PLUS a lot of traveling during work hours, so I have moved up just north of Seattle.
I feel, whether it is because I no longer take any kind of medication or what, that I realize I am not connecting to people anymore. My old friends are very busy, and seem far away, and I seem to have a tough time making new friends. Here in Seattle, it seems harder to make friends, anyway.
I would love some pointers, so let me know if you have any ideas. Keep in mind, I have 2 jobs now, so I work around 56 hours/ wk.
Thanks!
I feel, whether it is because I no longer take any kind of medication or what, that I realize I am not connecting to people anymore. My old friends are very busy, and seem far away, and I seem to have a tough time making new friends. Here in Seattle, it seems harder to make friends, anyway.
I would love some pointers, so let me know if you have any ideas. Keep in mind, I have 2 jobs now, so I work around 56 hours/ wk.
Thanks!
Friday, March 28, 2014
For A Cause
Hi All!
I know, you are probably thinking I fell off the face of the earth! Not quite. Just a very busy person. I hope you all are well. It has been quite a (almost) year since I last posted, and I wish I have been keeping up on this blog for a couple reasons. Firstly, I don't like to just drop off the face of the earth, even though I probably had let you know, and second, I do think that consistency is key, especially when I am asking for help.
Owen is trying to fundraise for his top surgery. We are both not that good at asking for help when it comes to money, but he did ask me to post his fundraiser. I am not asking you to give, but if you know of people who would like to help, or if you feel comfortable being a safe place to post this, I would be obliged. I know how much this will mean to him, and he is also asking for a certain amount so he raises the rest on his own, which is great!
His fundraiser is wwwDOTyoucaringDOTcom/medical-fundraiser/help-owen-get-top-surgery-/154447 .
We are not crafty, and as much as I would like to think we are poets (I have a blog, so it's true, I know it!) I really don't have anything to write except the gratitude that comes from generous people!
I also am going to try to post more in the future. I have a lot to say, and this seems to put my thoughts in order. :)
Just to let you know, O is doing great. He is learning a lot about himself. He has his ups and downs, but he sees them differently now, and it is so much nicer. :)
I know, you are probably thinking I fell off the face of the earth! Not quite. Just a very busy person. I hope you all are well. It has been quite a (almost) year since I last posted, and I wish I have been keeping up on this blog for a couple reasons. Firstly, I don't like to just drop off the face of the earth, even though I probably had let you know, and second, I do think that consistency is key, especially when I am asking for help.
Owen is trying to fundraise for his top surgery. We are both not that good at asking for help when it comes to money, but he did ask me to post his fundraiser. I am not asking you to give, but if you know of people who would like to help, or if you feel comfortable being a safe place to post this, I would be obliged. I know how much this will mean to him, and he is also asking for a certain amount so he raises the rest on his own, which is great!
His fundraiser is wwwDOTyoucaringDOTcom/medical-fundraiser/help-owen-get-top-surgery-/154447 .
We are not crafty, and as much as I would like to think we are poets (I have a blog, so it's true, I know it!) I really don't have anything to write except the gratitude that comes from generous people!
I also am going to try to post more in the future. I have a lot to say, and this seems to put my thoughts in order. :)
Just to let you know, O is doing great. He is learning a lot about himself. He has his ups and downs, but he sees them differently now, and it is so much nicer. :)
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Rolling with the punches
I have been working in a temporary position for five months now. One thing I know is that they aren't going to hire me. However, yesterday, when I was helping my supervisor with resumes (I honestly hate this job so much that I'm helping with resumes), and specifically asked, "what is the biggest strength you want?" She replies "hee hee--they have to be an awesome scheduler." Now, I know I suck at schedules. I pity the poor people who got scheduled incorrectly under my watch. I KNOW I have done the very best I can to schedule people, and sometimes I have a rigid spine, and sometimes it turns to jelly, but it still stings when, in not so many words, I am told that I suck at my job in the most important way. Now, by the age of 40, I dreamed that I would have this awesome backbone that was rigid and tough, and no one would be able to shatter me. HA! At 40 I'm far from that, but one thing I found I AM good at is rolling with the punches, for the most part.
When Owen came out, I was concerned about what other people thought, how they would react, whether I would be friends with them again, and all the things that I used to deem important. You find out really quick how unimportant that can be. I know that I have re-hashed this story many times, but I really honestly think that, if it wasn't for Owen, I would not have changed as much as into the person that I needed to be. Yes, I still wonder what others think, and I will always be concerned about the crime rate among LGBTQ people, but the wondering about things is wondering, not CARING, and the fact that I have a person who I get to see blossom in so many ways, makes me happy. And, do you know what? Most of my friends who I had to tell are STILL my friends. Some don't understand, some do, but they are still friends who love the person that is Owen. It is through them, along with my new friends, that I learned how to figure this whole thing out! Now to just get the job I want. :)
When Owen came out, I was concerned about what other people thought, how they would react, whether I would be friends with them again, and all the things that I used to deem important. You find out really quick how unimportant that can be. I know that I have re-hashed this story many times, but I really honestly think that, if it wasn't for Owen, I would not have changed as much as into the person that I needed to be. Yes, I still wonder what others think, and I will always be concerned about the crime rate among LGBTQ people, but the wondering about things is wondering, not CARING, and the fact that I have a person who I get to see blossom in so many ways, makes me happy. And, do you know what? Most of my friends who I had to tell are STILL my friends. Some don't understand, some do, but they are still friends who love the person that is Owen. It is through them, along with my new friends, that I learned how to figure this whole thing out! Now to just get the job I want. :)
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Hi all!
I've missed writing. I forget how therapeutic blogging/journaling can be until I start writing. Right now Owen is feeling stressed. We don't have a lot of money, and top surgery is becoming a very necessary thing at this point. Please give us any prayers and advice to fundraising that you may know of. When I say fundraising, I mean, what do people like? Can I make jewelry and turn a profit in my (what?) spare time?
Any ideas?
Thank you for sticking with me!
Gretchen
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Who?
Hi Everyone. I wanted to stop by. I realize how important it is to blog once in a while. I've made some changes this past few months. I haven't checked, but I think I mentioned that I'm unemployed the last time I was on here. I'm searching for a job desperately. The best note, though, is I realize that sisters forgive.
I used to write scathing blogs about my sister. She did not deserve that. I realized that she has been one of my biggest supporters regarding Owen's transition, yet I assumed her to be the biggest judge. So, this past few months have been one of me healing my heart of its bitterness and moving forward. It feels sooooooo good.
Still writing my book, and I'm going to school, too. In the midst of all that, I still found time to have a boyfriend. So weird.
I hope that, if you have stuck with me, that you're well. Take a moment to say hi! I would love to hear from you!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Hi All!
I have the good fortune of living in Seattle, so I was able to go to the Seattle Gender Odyssey Conference that was held this weekend. If you went, I want you to comment and let me know how you liked it!
I know that I've been lax about posting, and I usually gave you a reason, but I just wanted to stop by. I'm working on a paper for my Psych class right now, so I'm taking a break. I think it helps to go to another topic in order to re-group.
The conference was great, and it really educated me in many ways. It's nice to go to a place where you have a common ground. There are some things that I realized about myself while I was there that were both surprising and informative, yet I'm glad that they are there, and I'm not getting into them today. It's not the reason for this exercise.
The reason for this exercise is that I tend to really hate Facebook right now. So much stuff that I don't like. Politics, hate stuff. UGH. But I did find this on there.
I commented on it that there are days where I question myself, so this was nice to wake up to. The nice thing about conferences and education on this stuff is I can say that what bad parenting techniques I DID have had nothing to do with how my son turned out. It's not something I DIDN'T know, it's just a good reinforcement.
I do wonder something, though, as I was looking at a FB friend who I really don't talk to a lot. Do you ever see people in pictures or something and wonder if they're hiding something, or are sinister in some way (I ask that because I see that)? If he is, whatever that may be, and he doesn't act it out, does that make him a better person than my son, who is "sinning" by being a gay male? I ask that because he is very much against anything LGBTQ. Just wondering.
I would love your thoughts. PLEASE! I KNOW YOU READ THIS! :D
I commented on it that there are days where I question myself, so this was nice to wake up to. The nice thing about conferences and education on this stuff is I can say that what bad parenting techniques I DID have had nothing to do with how my son turned out. It's not something I DIDN'T know, it's just a good reinforcement.
I do wonder something, though, as I was looking at a FB friend who I really don't talk to a lot. Do you ever see people in pictures or something and wonder if they're hiding something, or are sinister in some way (I ask that because I see that)? If he is, whatever that may be, and he doesn't act it out, does that make him a better person than my son, who is "sinning" by being a gay male? I ask that because he is very much against anything LGBTQ. Just wondering.
I would love your thoughts. PLEASE! I KNOW YOU READ THIS! :D
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Brave
Last night, my friend Anne and I went and saw the movie "Brave". I'm not one who goes to see cartoons/Pixar movies much anymore, but I love anything Scottish, and a free-thinking girl in the time of the Highlander is right up my alley.
If you've seen Brave, you may know where I'm going with this. The rest is spoiler if you haven't.
It's about a Princess who has to choose a husband, yet doesn't feel ready for marriage. Her mother, who is all about tradition, and her argue. She goes to a witch who puts a spell on her mom and mom turns into a bear! Needless to say, it's a really great "Freaky Friday"ish type movie.....
And I sobbed. For the first time in a long time, I missed my DAUGHTER. Whether it was the idea of it or what, I don't know, but my sentimentality was in full force.
There are so many things that I don't understand when it comes to mother/daughter relationships, because ours was never a "typical" one, but I now know why. It truly was a mother/son relationship forever. Yet, there are things. Little things that I still miss that are no longer there, but at the same time, so many new things that are.
I know it's been a while. It may be a while before I come writing back, but I'm glad this is here for when I really need it, like right now I'm experiencing 2nd puberty. And THIS is how it's supposed to be! Seriously, I'm really glad that he's older, b/c if he was any younger, he'd be outta control! But, the funny thing is, I LIKE IT!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Hiatus
Hi!
Because I really need to find a new outlet besides blogging (which, I'm sorry I haven't been doing lately), I'm putting this on hold for awhile. I thank you all for your support throughout the year.
I will come by from time to time, but for now, I need to use a pen. I find that writing w/ my pen seems to be a better outlet. Maybe I will even post the paper. Who knows?
Because I really need to find a new outlet besides blogging (which, I'm sorry I haven't been doing lately), I'm putting this on hold for awhile. I thank you all for your support throughout the year.
I will come by from time to time, but for now, I need to use a pen. I find that writing w/ my pen seems to be a better outlet. Maybe I will even post the paper. Who knows?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Time's coming
I'm sort of in a state of....not sure. Numbness in some respects. More than likely, T will start late March, early April. It's funny to tell my friend that the hold up is that HE needs a PAP smear and can't get it till March 13.
We have a great Naturopath who wants a baseline for everything, including a pap smear and all fasting labs. Things are starting to be so real now. It's weird and hard. Hard because Owen will become a male--thicker blood, higher LDLs, different fat distribution that can be a higher heart attack rate. It's all very scary for me.
Sometimes I feel that I'm coddling and not letting him do enough of the legwork. I really hope that he's ready for this.
We have a great Naturopath who wants a baseline for everything, including a pap smear and all fasting labs. Things are starting to be so real now. It's weird and hard. Hard because Owen will become a male--thicker blood, higher LDLs, different fat distribution that can be a higher heart attack rate. It's all very scary for me.
Sometimes I feel that I'm coddling and not letting him do enough of the legwork. I really hope that he's ready for this.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Your Best
I am not a perfect servant. I am a public servant doing my best against the odds. As I develop and serve, be patient. God is not finished with me yet.
--Jesse Jackson
Sometimes I still get asked questions by very conservative believers why I am happy and okay with Owen's "choice". I say choice because Owen has chosen to live the path the he feels the most comfortable and open with, even though the physical odds are against him in that respect.
I had an epiphany this morning--My best work is done when I am at my best. That means feeling comfortable in my skin. If you've never seen me before, I am obese, so feeling comfortable in my own skin takes some effort. I feel best when I'm wearing nice jeans or slacks. And if I feel girly, I feel comfortable in a skirt with boots. Owen has a brain that is disconnected from his body when it comes to the physical attributes. He feels his best by wearing ANYTHING from the mens' department. By showing you our true inside on the outside (me-simplistic, down-to-earth female: Owen-heartfelt, semi-extrovert male) we are doing our best work for God and community. So next time you have people who disagree with you, religious or not, let them know that this is your best, and your best is what God wants.
--Jesse Jackson
Sometimes I still get asked questions by very conservative believers why I am happy and okay with Owen's "choice". I say choice because Owen has chosen to live the path the he feels the most comfortable and open with, even though the physical odds are against him in that respect.
I had an epiphany this morning--My best work is done when I am at my best. That means feeling comfortable in my skin. If you've never seen me before, I am obese, so feeling comfortable in my own skin takes some effort. I feel best when I'm wearing nice jeans or slacks. And if I feel girly, I feel comfortable in a skirt with boots. Owen has a brain that is disconnected from his body when it comes to the physical attributes. He feels his best by wearing ANYTHING from the mens' department. By showing you our true inside on the outside (me-simplistic, down-to-earth female: Owen-heartfelt, semi-extrovert male) we are doing our best work for God and community. So next time you have people who disagree with you, religious or not, let them know that this is your best, and your best is what God wants.
Monday, January 30, 2012
WWJD??
Back in the '90s they had bracelets that said WWJD on them--"What Would Jesus Do?" Believe it or not, I don't even think I owned one--maybe you can believe it by some of my little actions and outbursts, but I wore Jesus on my sleeve a lot back then. I was more into talking the talk than I am now. It was more about getting yourself saved than by serving others, in my book. Although, I was raised and made to serve.
I'm glad I'm not the talker anymore. Back then, my child coming out to me being transgender would have been instantaneous, 1 way ticket to the Lake of Fire, or exorcism! Against my Methodist upbringing, I joined a very charismatic church and learned what I call "the other side of the church". Don't get me wrong, I needed it. I learned that works don't get me to heaven, grace does, and that living in the Word makes us stronger in our day to day lives. I probably could have learned that in my denominational church, or my wonderful Young Life groups, but I guess I like to get the hell scared out of me by people who are in my face about it. I did start reading my Bible more because I knew that I didn't want to go to hell! Now that I'm typing this, I can actually see a little bit of oxymoron, because I sometimes didn't feel "Christian enough" there.
Fast forward to circa 2002 or so. We had moved to Seattle in 1999, and Owen had a Sunday school teacher in 2002 who had a lot in common with him. Lynn** is a sports person. She is a woman who is married to a wonderful man, and they are both the epitome of what Jesus stands for. They love to serve and give, and they are admired through their faith by other people. They have left-wing political views (yay!), teach, and preach under the scope of St. Francis of Assisi--"Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Not much talk goes on there-but you know where their hearts are. I'm proud to say that Owen and I have gotten to be a part of their family from then on. Because of them, Owen's thoughts of suicide were tampered (to this day, if that was the only thing that they were in his life for, it would have been good enough for me), his faith, although shaky at times, has stayed intact, and my "talking the talk" has eased into quiet contemplation and the true act of WWJD.
Yesterday, the children's ministry at our church told us that they are praying and supportive of Owen's decision to follow his identity and not hide it. They have seen a change in him, and they know that it doesn't change his person. They did let us know that their primary concern is the children, and the children love Owen (they still know him as Marley, and that's how it will be for a while). If parents start to question, they are going to let them know that they are praying for him through this transition, and if they have any concerns, they are to go to the head pastor, who had the final decision. He is truly a man of God, so I'm so happy that he's made this decision.
Sometimes we need other people besides our family to show us what it means to love Jesus. I thank God for all the people that have come in my life. I have been taught many life lessons through them.
I'm glad I'm not the talker anymore. Back then, my child coming out to me being transgender would have been instantaneous, 1 way ticket to the Lake of Fire, or exorcism! Against my Methodist upbringing, I joined a very charismatic church and learned what I call "the other side of the church". Don't get me wrong, I needed it. I learned that works don't get me to heaven, grace does, and that living in the Word makes us stronger in our day to day lives. I probably could have learned that in my denominational church, or my wonderful Young Life groups, but I guess I like to get the hell scared out of me by people who are in my face about it. I did start reading my Bible more because I knew that I didn't want to go to hell! Now that I'm typing this, I can actually see a little bit of oxymoron, because I sometimes didn't feel "Christian enough" there.
Fast forward to circa 2002 or so. We had moved to Seattle in 1999, and Owen had a Sunday school teacher in 2002 who had a lot in common with him. Lynn** is a sports person. She is a woman who is married to a wonderful man, and they are both the epitome of what Jesus stands for. They love to serve and give, and they are admired through their faith by other people. They have left-wing political views (yay!), teach, and preach under the scope of St. Francis of Assisi--"Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Not much talk goes on there-but you know where their hearts are. I'm proud to say that Owen and I have gotten to be a part of their family from then on. Because of them, Owen's thoughts of suicide were tampered (to this day, if that was the only thing that they were in his life for, it would have been good enough for me), his faith, although shaky at times, has stayed intact, and my "talking the talk" has eased into quiet contemplation and the true act of WWJD.
Yesterday, the children's ministry at our church told us that they are praying and supportive of Owen's decision to follow his identity and not hide it. They have seen a change in him, and they know that it doesn't change his person. They did let us know that their primary concern is the children, and the children love Owen (they still know him as Marley, and that's how it will be for a while). If parents start to question, they are going to let them know that they are praying for him through this transition, and if they have any concerns, they are to go to the head pastor, who had the final decision. He is truly a man of God, so I'm so happy that he's made this decision.
Sometimes we need other people besides our family to show us what it means to love Jesus. I thank God for all the people that have come in my life. I have been taught many life lessons through them.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Why is it okay for you?
Many years ago, I had a friend named Jim**. He was a music pastor at our church. I had a crush on him for a while, but when I realized that we had a lot of differences, that crush turned into a great friendship. Jim is what I would call a fundamental Christian in many ways. However, he is faithful and truly a man of God.
Unfortunately, I now have very little ties to him. You see, I now understand that in some ways, I was one of a few friends who helped him through a time of loneliness. After trial and error, Jim found a beautiful lady to live his life with. She was everything he wanted in a woman. Pretty, petite, wants kids and is great with them, and also the wife who will bend over backwards for his spoiled ass. Yes, Jim is spoiled. I admire him in the way that he asks and seems to receive. Is that a God thing? Maybe.
You probably wonder what kind of point I'm getting at. Well, Jim has issues with homosexuality. His father, who was once a pastor, is gay. Jim loves his dad, but has trouble with his "lifestyle". Now, understand that he and I talked a lot about that sort of thing, and I didn't agree all the time, but one thing I did was just listen. I listened a lot. I listened to him about what he didn't like about this or that woman he dated, or how he wanted a guitar, but the church wouldn't buy it for him. Boo-EFFING-hoo.
So. When Owen came out last spring about being gender-confused, I sent Jim a message on Facebook regarding this. I said that I really needed my old friend Jim to talk and just hear what he had to say. I got nothing. I haven't heard from him, even after 3 messages. I really wanted to hear from him. But now, I'm mad and disappointed. Mind you, that last message I sent was in summer, but I really needed the advice and ear this time and got nothing!
Knowing him, he doesn't know how to respond, or he'd know he'd hurt my feelings. He would see gender variance right up there with homosexuality. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I took a lot of time listening to him talk about things that I now look at as rather unimportant, yet I got nothing back when I needed it.
I wanted to tell him that I would miss all the things that a mother expects for her daughter. I wanted to let him know that when the shoe is on the other foot, that we still love our kids with wild abandon, and just pray to God that He guides us through the transition rather than praying (as Jim would put it) the gay away. I would tell him that no matter what, we sometimes have to let go and let God lead us as parents to letting our child lead their own life. Yet I can't tell him this because he didn't take the time to respond to me and be the friend I NEEDED him to be.
So, I'm writing this because I have held this in for months. It probably doesn't make any sense, but for me, it's because I'm doing a very un-Christian thing in judging a former friend and saying that I don't like his fundamental ways because what he preaches hasn't been practiced to me.
I know for a fact that I'm a lecturer to my son about listening and not expecting anything in return. But when I plea for my friend to reach out to me, and he doesn't, my feelings are very hurt. That's why I don't consider him my friend anymore. He was a friend for a season, and that makes me sad.
What makes me even more sad, is that he would feel that Owen should just live his life as a female and let her work through it with God "in her suffering". Well, I believe that Owen has done a wonderful job in staying faithful and Christ-centered (even though we're both HORRIBLE potty mouths), and why shouldn't Owen be happy with who he is, and let God work with that? After all, I compare it to Jim turning down girls who weren't good enough for him, even though I saw them as women who would really love him. He found someone HE wanted. You see?
I obviously have internalized this for many months. My brain is stuck on self-loathing, I guess. But I'm through with this.
Thanks for the vent.
----So, a few hours after writing this, I'm still awake, but I was watching a wonderful video that I love and makes me ready to sleep (at 3 am, at work at 8 am)! I hope you enjoy. This is how I feel, and this is what Jesus is all about. (If this doesn't show up, because of my illiteracy, check out "Children of God" by Third Day on YouTube.
**Not his real name.
Unfortunately, I now have very little ties to him. You see, I now understand that in some ways, I was one of a few friends who helped him through a time of loneliness. After trial and error, Jim found a beautiful lady to live his life with. She was everything he wanted in a woman. Pretty, petite, wants kids and is great with them, and also the wife who will bend over backwards for his spoiled ass. Yes, Jim is spoiled. I admire him in the way that he asks and seems to receive. Is that a God thing? Maybe.
You probably wonder what kind of point I'm getting at. Well, Jim has issues with homosexuality. His father, who was once a pastor, is gay. Jim loves his dad, but has trouble with his "lifestyle". Now, understand that he and I talked a lot about that sort of thing, and I didn't agree all the time, but one thing I did was just listen. I listened a lot. I listened to him about what he didn't like about this or that woman he dated, or how he wanted a guitar, but the church wouldn't buy it for him. Boo-EFFING-hoo.
So. When Owen came out last spring about being gender-confused, I sent Jim a message on Facebook regarding this. I said that I really needed my old friend Jim to talk and just hear what he had to say. I got nothing. I haven't heard from him, even after 3 messages. I really wanted to hear from him. But now, I'm mad and disappointed. Mind you, that last message I sent was in summer, but I really needed the advice and ear this time and got nothing!
Knowing him, he doesn't know how to respond, or he'd know he'd hurt my feelings. He would see gender variance right up there with homosexuality. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I took a lot of time listening to him talk about things that I now look at as rather unimportant, yet I got nothing back when I needed it.
I wanted to tell him that I would miss all the things that a mother expects for her daughter. I wanted to let him know that when the shoe is on the other foot, that we still love our kids with wild abandon, and just pray to God that He guides us through the transition rather than praying (as Jim would put it) the gay away. I would tell him that no matter what, we sometimes have to let go and let God lead us as parents to letting our child lead their own life. Yet I can't tell him this because he didn't take the time to respond to me and be the friend I NEEDED him to be.
So, I'm writing this because I have held this in for months. It probably doesn't make any sense, but for me, it's because I'm doing a very un-Christian thing in judging a former friend and saying that I don't like his fundamental ways because what he preaches hasn't been practiced to me.
I know for a fact that I'm a lecturer to my son about listening and not expecting anything in return. But when I plea for my friend to reach out to me, and he doesn't, my feelings are very hurt. That's why I don't consider him my friend anymore. He was a friend for a season, and that makes me sad.
What makes me even more sad, is that he would feel that Owen should just live his life as a female and let her work through it with God "in her suffering". Well, I believe that Owen has done a wonderful job in staying faithful and Christ-centered (even though we're both HORRIBLE potty mouths), and why shouldn't Owen be happy with who he is, and let God work with that? After all, I compare it to Jim turning down girls who weren't good enough for him, even though I saw them as women who would really love him. He found someone HE wanted. You see?
I obviously have internalized this for many months. My brain is stuck on self-loathing, I guess. But I'm through with this.
Thanks for the vent.
----So, a few hours after writing this, I'm still awake, but I was watching a wonderful video that I love and makes me ready to sleep (at 3 am, at work at 8 am)! I hope you enjoy. This is how I feel, and this is what Jesus is all about. (If this doesn't show up, because of my illiteracy, check out "Children of God" by Third Day on YouTube.
**Not his real name.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Marley, er Owen
Marley decided that his name was too confusing and androgynous, so a few weeks ago, he decided his name is now Owen. Of course, I think I was the last to know for a while.
I have a feeling, but I hope that I'm wrong, that there may be a problem w/ him working at church. He works with little kids, and now that the head of the Sunday school knows and suspected, she said that she needs to talk to the head pastor, who is brand new, to see how to move forward. I told her that I'd be very happy to come and educate them on this topic, so I hope that they take me up on it. Feeling a bit emotional about it right now. I go to a Methodist church. Methodists are known to reach out to people. I honestly would know that if Owen (why am I having a tough time saying that name?) was told he couldn't teach, his faith would be shaken. He's always felt very accepted here. This is the church he's known since we moved to Seattle in 1999. I've told him many times to keep God in the center of everything he does. I know for a fact that he is surrounded by people who love him, no matter whether they understand or agree with his identity or not. I hope that he focuses on the love of everyone, and not at a possible decision that, in the scheme of things, is minute. I just still hope that it doesn't matter.
Home sick today. Better, but knew I'd get really tired if I went to work. Now my anxiety with this possible decision makes it worse.
Prayers, please.
I have a feeling, but I hope that I'm wrong, that there may be a problem w/ him working at church. He works with little kids, and now that the head of the Sunday school knows and suspected, she said that she needs to talk to the head pastor, who is brand new, to see how to move forward. I told her that I'd be very happy to come and educate them on this topic, so I hope that they take me up on it. Feeling a bit emotional about it right now. I go to a Methodist church. Methodists are known to reach out to people. I honestly would know that if Owen (why am I having a tough time saying that name?) was told he couldn't teach, his faith would be shaken. He's always felt very accepted here. This is the church he's known since we moved to Seattle in 1999. I've told him many times to keep God in the center of everything he does. I know for a fact that he is surrounded by people who love him, no matter whether they understand or agree with his identity or not. I hope that he focuses on the love of everyone, and not at a possible decision that, in the scheme of things, is minute. I just still hope that it doesn't matter.
Home sick today. Better, but knew I'd get really tired if I went to work. Now my anxiety with this possible decision makes it worse.
Prayers, please.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
What, if anything, do we fight for?
I'm a little behind the times when it comes to this post. I haven't really delved into whether Sojourners has answered these accusations-- Supposedly Progressive Christian Sojourners Rejects LGBT Ad, but I was a big fan of Sojourners because it was the first progressive Christian link I ever found. I got to meet Jim Wallis when he spoke in Seattle a few years back. I really like his politics because I was so against the Iraq war.
This does come up, though, as to what do we fight for? When the UCC did their ad campaign regarding gay rights in the church, according to the linked article, Sojourners turned it down, stating they were not going to take sides on this issue. That is a tough and angry topic. One that, even in a progressive stance, can be split. Why? Because even though you work for something, there are still supporters who don't agree with you. Jim Wallis will say he stands up for LGBT rights, and he probably does...in theory. But to advertise it can be financially rough. First of all, Sojourners is more on the political views of the poor, war, and anything economically challenging. That is their biggest standpoint. THAT is what they're going to stand for. If one of their biggest supporters still has issues with LGBT rights, I doubt you will see them wanting to advertise their stance on how they feel about that. They can lose their support.
This is just my theory. I'm not standing up for him, but I'm not standing against him either, because I have heard him, and know that he does support rights for all. So, I do have to say, I was disappointed in Jim Wallis for this. I like his magazines, and when he asked me for a donation in his e-mail, I turned him down and let him know why. My $$$ is going toward Gender Odyssey, which I ask you to let people know about. This needs your support in educating the public and supporting families about Transgender rights. It's helping gender variant people and families educate everyone.
I digress. I still will support Sojourners and Jim Wallis' quest in educating people-and I'll get a magazine every couple months for my entertainment for doing that. I know he means well, but sometimes, unfortunately, he still has to look at the almighty dollar--whether or not he looks to God first. Big example before I close. I. HATE. WALMART! It is in my best interest to never shop there because of.....well, because of EVERYTHING. But when I get a present, and I'm strapped for cash, that's where I go. Money. As much as we rely on God, we still see dollar signs a little too much. It's that human thing. As I write this, I see how small my Walmart shopping may be compared to Sojourners' rejection of a huge ad, but that's my thought process.
**UPDATE: I was reading John Shore this evening--click on his name for his blog regarding Jim Wallis' response. Like I said, I was a little behind the times on this. This all happened when I was still in denial of having a son and blocked EVERYTHING out.
**You're wondering why this all came up in the first place. It was due to an e-mail I got to do an end-of-the-year donation to Sojo.
This does come up, though, as to what do we fight for? When the UCC did their ad campaign regarding gay rights in the church, according to the linked article, Sojourners turned it down, stating they were not going to take sides on this issue. That is a tough and angry topic. One that, even in a progressive stance, can be split. Why? Because even though you work for something, there are still supporters who don't agree with you. Jim Wallis will say he stands up for LGBT rights, and he probably does...in theory. But to advertise it can be financially rough. First of all, Sojourners is more on the political views of the poor, war, and anything economically challenging. That is their biggest standpoint. THAT is what they're going to stand for. If one of their biggest supporters still has issues with LGBT rights, I doubt you will see them wanting to advertise their stance on how they feel about that. They can lose their support.
This is just my theory. I'm not standing up for him, but I'm not standing against him either, because I have heard him, and know that he does support rights for all. So, I do have to say, I was disappointed in Jim Wallis for this. I like his magazines, and when he asked me for a donation in his e-mail, I turned him down and let him know why. My $$$ is going toward Gender Odyssey, which I ask you to let people know about. This needs your support in educating the public and supporting families about Transgender rights. It's helping gender variant people and families educate everyone.
I digress. I still will support Sojourners and Jim Wallis' quest in educating people-and I'll get a magazine every couple months for my entertainment for doing that. I know he means well, but sometimes, unfortunately, he still has to look at the almighty dollar--whether or not he looks to God first. Big example before I close. I. HATE. WALMART! It is in my best interest to never shop there because of.....well, because of EVERYTHING. But when I get a present, and I'm strapped for cash, that's where I go. Money. As much as we rely on God, we still see dollar signs a little too much. It's that human thing. As I write this, I see how small my Walmart shopping may be compared to Sojourners' rejection of a huge ad, but that's my thought process.
**UPDATE: I was reading John Shore this evening--click on his name for his blog regarding Jim Wallis' response. Like I said, I was a little behind the times on this. This all happened when I was still in denial of having a son and blocked EVERYTHING out.
**You're wondering why this all came up in the first place. It was due to an e-mail I got to do an end-of-the-year donation to Sojo.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas to all my followers! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great day off! We didn't do our normal going to service this year, but we did have a great time in Portland caroling last night! I'll leave you with this little clip. This song is my favorite at Christmas. It's called "Joseph's Lullabye". It means a lot to me.
Monday, December 19, 2011
To the Reluctant Parent
We started going to a support group. It's refreshing to see a room full of parents who are going through the same thing. Have I mentioned this before?
Today I want to talk to parents. No, more like reluctant parents whose children have recognized themselves as a different gender than what they grew up with.
Points to Ponder:
Ideals--These are what stand between us accepting our child or turning our back on them. See, it's not about them when they come out. It's about us. It's about what other people think, or not seeing them walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress. Never having a "normal" boyfriend/husband (M is considered gay male), and grandchildren (biological).
I sit, as a devout Christian, and ponder the ramifications of me accepting my transgender daughter-turned-son. You may ask if I worry about him going to hell. No. Not really. Because I know M's heart, and if God is going to judge M's choice of living his life in the way that he is supposed to, even though he physically is a contradiction, I can't follow that god. That's not the God I know. The God I know serves people. Loves people. Is there in the darkest time of a person's life. Holds them when they tell their parent that they are in the wrong body. Then He holds the parent who struggles with the above ideals and teaches and guides them to acceptance.
Acceptance---Ahhhhh....the final stage of the grief process. Acceptance is such a deceptive word. It makes you think that by accepting a situation--ANY situation, makes you happy...like a sweet Disney story or something. But that's not acceptance. If you really ponder the word and mull it over, you realize to accept means to open up-even when you are not wanting to. Even when it doesn't make sense to you. To me, acceptance is its own grief process. When I picture acceptance, I picture having French Doors on my chest. When I open up those doors, I'm letting things pour in, taking in what I can, which, in that process, means letting go of things that no longer apply to my life (no white wedding dress on my daughter, etc).
In life, you read about people who fight to stay alive, overcome obstacles, and work hard for what they want to do to achieve, and we love it!
Some of these obstacles people overcome are quite large. This is what our kids do when they come out to us. They are climbing a mountain, and that mountain is the unknown of how every loved one in their lives will react, or how they are going to get through life being different somehow, yet choosing what they are comfortable with. Be proud of them! It's a very brave and gutsy thing! They already tried the other way and it didn't work.
So, To The Reluctant Parent: My next words are going to be tough to hear, but they are important:
You have a child that you did the best you could to raise them. If you are happy with the way you have or are bringing them up, then pat yourself on the back and have no regrets. Don't blame yourself or worry about people around you. Your true friends will support you, whether or not they agree-they will be there for you.
Talk to your child about what they want out of life--Because they want to live it to the fullest.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. DON'T MAKE IT AS SUCH! I say that as a person who does make it as such. It has stunted this transition process that will go on with or without me. Finally seeing it as a new growth process makes me want to participate fully.
DO Love them, help them, and accept them. The person in front of you has the same soul that they did before they told you. Love that soul.
The link below (I think you need to cut and paste cuz I'm awful at figuring this out) is a letter that was printed on a blog I love. As I read the blog one day, the letter looked familiar. I then realized that it was a letter I wrote.
NOTE: This is a Christian posting from a fellow Christian who doesn't support the fundamental ideals that, unfortunately, are what society sees the majority of Christians as (they are not), and believes that all people need to be equal. I share the same kind of faith as him.
http://johnshore.com/2011/08/24/from-the-mother-of-a-transgender-young-man/
Today I want to talk to parents. No, more like reluctant parents whose children have recognized themselves as a different gender than what they grew up with.
Points to Ponder:
Ideals--These are what stand between us accepting our child or turning our back on them. See, it's not about them when they come out. It's about us. It's about what other people think, or not seeing them walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress. Never having a "normal" boyfriend/husband (M is considered gay male), and grandchildren (biological).
I sit, as a devout Christian, and ponder the ramifications of me accepting my transgender daughter-turned-son. You may ask if I worry about him going to hell. No. Not really. Because I know M's heart, and if God is going to judge M's choice of living his life in the way that he is supposed to, even though he physically is a contradiction, I can't follow that god. That's not the God I know. The God I know serves people. Loves people. Is there in the darkest time of a person's life. Holds them when they tell their parent that they are in the wrong body. Then He holds the parent who struggles with the above ideals and teaches and guides them to acceptance.
Acceptance---Ahhhhh....the final stage of the grief process. Acceptance is such a deceptive word. It makes you think that by accepting a situation--ANY situation, makes you happy...like a sweet Disney story or something. But that's not acceptance. If you really ponder the word and mull it over, you realize to accept means to open up-even when you are not wanting to. Even when it doesn't make sense to you. To me, acceptance is its own grief process. When I picture acceptance, I picture having French Doors on my chest. When I open up those doors, I'm letting things pour in, taking in what I can, which, in that process, means letting go of things that no longer apply to my life (no white wedding dress on my daughter, etc).
In life, you read about people who fight to stay alive, overcome obstacles, and work hard for what they want to do to achieve, and we love it!
Some of these obstacles people overcome are quite large. This is what our kids do when they come out to us. They are climbing a mountain, and that mountain is the unknown of how every loved one in their lives will react, or how they are going to get through life being different somehow, yet choosing what they are comfortable with. Be proud of them! It's a very brave and gutsy thing! They already tried the other way and it didn't work.
So, To The Reluctant Parent: My next words are going to be tough to hear, but they are important:
You have a child that you did the best you could to raise them. If you are happy with the way you have or are bringing them up, then pat yourself on the back and have no regrets. Don't blame yourself or worry about people around you. Your true friends will support you, whether or not they agree-they will be there for you.
Talk to your child about what they want out of life--Because they want to live it to the fullest.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. DON'T MAKE IT AS SUCH! I say that as a person who does make it as such. It has stunted this transition process that will go on with or without me. Finally seeing it as a new growth process makes me want to participate fully.
DO Love them, help them, and accept them. The person in front of you has the same soul that they did before they told you. Love that soul.
The link below (I think you need to cut and paste cuz I'm awful at figuring this out) is a letter that was printed on a blog I love. As I read the blog one day, the letter looked familiar. I then realized that it was a letter I wrote.
NOTE: This is a Christian posting from a fellow Christian who doesn't support the fundamental ideals that, unfortunately, are what society sees the majority of Christians as (they are not), and believes that all people need to be equal. I share the same kind of faith as him.
http://johnshore.com/2011/08/24/from-the-mother-of-a-transgender-young-man/
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Ties that Bind.....ugh
“Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.”
― Orson Scott Card, Empire
I don't like Orson Scott Card. I think I'm the only one in my immediate family who has had no interest in him at all. So it probably wouldn't be a surprise to you to discover that I found this quote in my "Breaking Dawn" book. Now, before you roll your eyes and question my intelligence, let me just say that until I read the Twilight Saga, I hadn't read recreational reading in 3 years (I was finding cheap ways to learn things). It woke up my love of reading again. Okay, enough of my head.
I bring this up because I was e-mailing my aunt, catching up on what was going on with Marley. She asked about who in my family knew. As far as I know the only person in the world who doesn't know is my sister. When I feel like I'm doing something "bad" or have screwed up in some way, she's the voice in my head. My own personal demon who probably doesn't even know it. She is, however, someone who could use some help with being nice and watching her words, because it has caused a rift between us in some ways.
I see my sister as very judgmental, and I decided to cut ties that were already severed. Don't get me wrong. I love my sister, and I mourn our relationship, but I need to protect myself and my family. This is fast becoming a therapy session, but have you ever been in a good mood, make a phone call to someone, and when you hang up, you're exhausted? That was the last phone conversation I ever had with her. That's been almost 4 years ago. We still chat when we see each other, but those conversations are very few and far between.
I think the hardest thing I struggle with just happened not too long ago. I had a new Facebook friend who is gay. I grew up with this guy, and I thought the world of him. He and my sister were really close, and he asked how she was because she supported him when he was being teased or ostracized from others--small town, 1980s--need I say more?
My heart broke that day, because I know for a fact that the response he got from her is not the response Marley (or I) will get. I will be reminded of my downfalls and how screwed up M is. I keep thinking that maybe she won't be that way. Maybe things will be different. Um...no. I can't chance that anymore. I've taken lots of chances in my life thinking I haven't. Some of them have had great consequences. Some not. This one is pretty much a given. I need to stop caring about my sister's reaction or her problems and focus on living and enjoying my life with my son-who is a very happy and excited human being. :D Now to call my therapist to get that started....
― Orson Scott Card, Empire
I don't like Orson Scott Card. I think I'm the only one in my immediate family who has had no interest in him at all. So it probably wouldn't be a surprise to you to discover that I found this quote in my "Breaking Dawn" book. Now, before you roll your eyes and question my intelligence, let me just say that until I read the Twilight Saga, I hadn't read recreational reading in 3 years (I was finding cheap ways to learn things). It woke up my love of reading again. Okay, enough of my head.
I bring this up because I was e-mailing my aunt, catching up on what was going on with Marley. She asked about who in my family knew. As far as I know the only person in the world who doesn't know is my sister. When I feel like I'm doing something "bad" or have screwed up in some way, she's the voice in my head. My own personal demon who probably doesn't even know it. She is, however, someone who could use some help with being nice and watching her words, because it has caused a rift between us in some ways.
I see my sister as very judgmental, and I decided to cut ties that were already severed. Don't get me wrong. I love my sister, and I mourn our relationship, but I need to protect myself and my family. This is fast becoming a therapy session, but have you ever been in a good mood, make a phone call to someone, and when you hang up, you're exhausted? That was the last phone conversation I ever had with her. That's been almost 4 years ago. We still chat when we see each other, but those conversations are very few and far between.
I think the hardest thing I struggle with just happened not too long ago. I had a new Facebook friend who is gay. I grew up with this guy, and I thought the world of him. He and my sister were really close, and he asked how she was because she supported him when he was being teased or ostracized from others--small town, 1980s--need I say more?
My heart broke that day, because I know for a fact that the response he got from her is not the response Marley (or I) will get. I will be reminded of my downfalls and how screwed up M is. I keep thinking that maybe she won't be that way. Maybe things will be different. Um...no. I can't chance that anymore. I've taken lots of chances in my life thinking I haven't. Some of them have had great consequences. Some not. This one is pretty much a given. I need to stop caring about my sister's reaction or her problems and focus on living and enjoying my life with my son-who is a very happy and excited human being. :D Now to call my therapist to get that started....
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